I received an email this morning from a mom that just graduated from my class last week about making her child stop spitting. She has 2 daughters, 5 & 7, and a 3 year old stepson. She has been doing a great job creating routines, working on power struggles and creating team work in the family. Because the little guy goes back and forth to birth mom's, there are occasional issues related to that transition and confusion. I'm going to take out the names so there is no conflict with birth mom.
So here is the first email I received:
Hi Deb, Just had to tell you about this weekend…
My 3 yr old step son has been spitting in my face when he doesn't want to do something that I have requested from him. Obviously a huge misbehavior in my book and a tipping point for Crazy Mom.
However, I handled this differently, Yesterday, we were at an event at the fairgrounds when he decided he no longer wanted to hold my hand in a crowd. He wiggled, spaghetti legged, and then spit at me. I escorted him outside and then sat him on the bench out front. I firmly told him until you can be nice and hold my hand, you will have to sit here outside. (Ok maybe not perfect words but I was really holding in my crazy.)He tried to get up and I sat him back down. I placed him in his seat about 6 different times, repeating "If you can't be nice you have sit here." I would occasionally ask if he was ready to go back inside and hold my hand. He would respond NO and so I continued to sit about 4 feet away not talking or looking at him. Finally he decided to escalate to see what would happen. He removed his socks and shoes and threw them at me. I quietly picked them and placed them where he could not get them…. Ok so after ignoring his pleas to engage for 15 minutes. He finally moved closer and tried to put his head on my lap. I sat him up and said, " Are you ready to go inside and hold my hand?" He hesitantly said "Yes!" I held out my hand which he grabbed and then helped with the shoes and we were back on our way looking at exhibits.
(I had texted Dad when we had gone outside not to come save me. I told him I needed to win this without an intervention if was to ever gain authority in his eyes. )
WOW! what a great job, here was MY email response to her:
And he CHOSE! OK, I'm posting this one, OK?
And here were her responses back to me:
OMG…I needed this email… I am having problems with my 5 yr old, spitting at school…I am a single mom and it is hard. I have talked, taken everything away and nothing has worked…I will try this.thx
Let me know how it goes!
We are going through the same thing my 3 year old has started spitting when he doesn’t get his own way!!! its soooo embarrassing and we are scratching our heads as to where this has come from!!
Final straw was spitting in someone face at my work we sent him to his room and made him call the lady to apologise , but some how I don’t think this is the last of it any ideas on how to tackle this?
I will definitely try this tactic!
I have a 2 1/2 year old son that just recently started to spit in my face when I try to calm him down in public or even when I try to hold his hand. He has only done this on two occasions but I have to say I feel so disrespected. I really have no idea where he picked up this horrible habbit.
Can you possibly make any other suggestions in the event this 15 “time out” doesn’t work? My son is so strong willed and he will surely fight me on this
Jasmin,
It’s definitely time to take my teleclass, “No I Won’t and You Can’t Make Me! – Effectively Dealing With Power Struggles”. You will get many ideas for helping your almost 3 year old learn where his power is and where the limits are, which is his developmental task right now.
Happy Parenting!
Deb
I am asking how to get my 3 year old son to stop kicking spitting and hitting kids and Ault
Great but the teacher can’t do anything about it while she has 20 other students to teach and deal with complaints from parents of the children who are getting spit on. The administrators will not come help in the classrooms to assist.
I’m going to try this my 3 year old is acting up horribly with sitting and hitting I’m at my wits end I hope this works I’ve tried everything else and now my 2 year old is starting to mimic him
I’m going to try this my 3 year old is acting up horribly with spitting and hitting I’m at my wits end I hope this works I’ve tried everything else and now my 2 year old is starting to mimic him
Hi:
Today, I was out to lunch with my 90 year old Granny, and my 3 year old spit in the car all the way home! Then, he spit in my face at the grocery store because he just didn’t wan to sit in the buggy. Well, I’ve been giving him the cold shoulder and I think it’s working. He loves to go outside, and it’s a glorious day, but I told him he could not go in the yard today because he spit at his great Granny and me all day. I THINK it’s working, but this is the third episode in 3 months. I really thought he was over this behavior, as I find it completely unacceptable. I do think this is a good approach, and it’s similar. He is my own son, although I do have two step-children, now 21 and 22! He behaves nothing like my 15 year old did at his age. I’m at a loss, but I just did what comes naturally. I am so impressed by the poster’s story and actions to resolve the behavioral issues whit her step son.
Thanks for posting this!
Wendy
Did this stop the spitting in the long run?
Wow she is so positive and being a step mom she is so good i got a step mom too she made my life miserable
I needed this. My 3.5 y/o son has been spitting when he’s angry and it is truly the only thing that turns me into a crazy mom. I know I need to do this, and have done it with other behavior. Somehow spitting seems different. I clearly need to just stick with it. Even if it’s the longest 15 minutes of my life. 🙂
Thank you for this advice. My two year old son is in the spitting phase and it is driving me crazy as spitting is such offensive behavior. Now I have an approach and I am encouraged!
My 4 year old grandson is driving us crazy with spitting and hitting. We have tried time outs by making him go to his room when he is home. He has done it so many times at school he finally was told he cannot return. He is a loving and caring little boy, but this has maxed out everyone. He is extremely bright but something is triggering this behavior. He went through this last year and it finally passed. I might mention he is on albuterol which has a steroid in it and the Dr. mentioned it could wind him up.
I would agree, but he did this last year without taking albuterol.
Should we take him to child psychologist, see if he’s ADD or ADHD? I hate to start diagnosing early and medicating him. Is it possible it’s a seasonal change reaction since it happened last year in the spring?
We are open to suggestions!!! Thanks
Lyn,
After teaching 20+ years, I have found that it is best to take my class first. What you will see is a much broader view of parenting and gain more tools to discipline his behavior. I call this a strong “baseline” of parenting. During this process, you will discover some of the things you (and others) may be doing in your parenting style that may make his behavior worse. You can then use new tools and discover what works. You will find a lessening of negative behavior, more closeness and connection in your relationship, and a better sense of what is affecting him and why. At this point, if there is still some nagging behavior problems, then you can go in and get him evaluated and diagnosed. He is only 4, it seems a bit young to be able to establish the patterns necessary to be fully certain he has something “diagnosable”, which is why I always start with our parenting skills and tools to rule out the things we may do that exacerbate his behavior.
You can start by taking my free teleclass on Dealing with Power Struggles and see what you think and how these ideas work with your grandson.
We have a 3 year-old that’s in the habit of spitting (amongst other things) at his preschool… behaviors that he does NOT manifest at home or around his mother or I. What suggestions might you have for how we can help him learn ‘not’ to make these bad decisions when we’re not around? As goofy as it sounds, I can only figure that it would be so much easier to combat it if it was something we were seeing first hand.
Well my almost 5 year old was spitting as well. Nothing worked including spanking. So he got vinegar in his mouth every time he did it. Took 6 times and waa laa, no more spitting.
Donna,
Unfortunately, spanking and vinegar in the mouth, are not the best long term solution. While the latter may have worked for you in the short run, you have to ask yourself at what expense? Any discipline such as you described will erode your relationship with your child over the long haul. So while this may have expedited a solution to your current problem, you almost certainly will experience a backlash at some point in the future when you lose authority and respect from your child.
Thank you!!! For us, it’s not just making the sound of a leaf blower, which makes him spit everywhere. He is the most defiant child I’ve ever experienced. He’s 3 1/2. But, I have two boys/men 26 & 23. They just knew my expectations were law. I never had repetitive issues with them and never had to spank or anything. So, this is crazy! Actually, I knew one child with 100% defiant issues when he came to my son’s sleepover. Come to find out it’s was because his mother told him not to listen to anything I said. She did the same thing with his step mother who is a teacher at his school. I’m all about manners, morals, and safety. But, my son thinks it’s funny when he’s in trouble with either me or his Dada.
Just getting a No-No bowl of apple cider vinegar with q-tips on top has made him catch himself when he starts to make the spitting noise. (Sigh of relief)
The woman who helped raise my husband and I at the home daycare in the ’80s, used to put soap in the kids mouth for saying bad word. We are all still friends and we have always called her our second mom, will full love in our hearts. Nothing she did ever ruined any relationship with her and her funeral was standing room only.
My 3 year old spit at some other kid at church yesterday and started doing that at home a few days ago. He thinks it is hilarious. It is NOT. Thanks for the advice!
I work in a licensed child care center. At different times we have a child who starts to spit for no apparent reason. They will spit at their friends when the other child annoys them. At times they have even spit at their teachers. Many times parents say they are doing this at home also. And many times they have never seen this behavior in their child. Our approach is to teach the child the correct way to communicate with their classmates, redirect, time away and quite to the point tell the child this is not allowed ever. Several years back we tried the approach of having the child stand in front of a trash can and required them to spit over and over until they could no longer make any spit. For some children this would work. If you have suggestions for this environment they would greatly be appreciated.
Nancy, I cannot offer you a blanket solution. I would take each case of spitting, analyze it, and then suggest an approach. I do not believe there is no reason, and that reason is important to decide what to do about it. I also do not advocate punishments such as you described with making a child spit over a trash can.
This is AWESOME! I work in a daycare and one of them have a spitting problem. I literally tried just about everything and about an hour ago I decided to read this post and it worked! It went a little longer than fifteen, but it still worked. It’s so cool. I’m personally not a mom, but I do take care of a lot of kids. Anyway, thank you so much for posting this, it really helped!!
Yay! Congrats and thank you for sharing your success!
I think this was a wonderful posting. I have two grown adult children and did not have the “spitting” problem. However, my granddaughter who is age two does spit and I witnessed her spit at her mother. The most important point in the example above is that it is so important to set boundaries even when it take 15 minutes or 30 minutes to help assimilate words and concepts which are not fully understood. I cannot be the parent to my granddaughter, nor do I feel that it is my role to tell my son and his wife how to parent. They are not “spankers” nor are they “yellers” as some. However to mistake the lack of that for actions of permissiveness and not setting boundaries is an equally distractive error. Thank you again for your helpful post and instruction.
You’re Welcome! And I agree wholeheartedly! I am the grandma of a 2-year old now and I completely respect my daughter and her husband’s parenting and would not butt in unless specifically asked for help.
I recently received a phone call my my niece asking how she can get her 3 year old to stop spitting…at daycare. He was “suspended” yesterday for it, and she can’t risk losing her job over it.
I have a three year old boy and two step children; also three and an eight year old, my boy literally had not been any problem except very much the adventurer and explorer by waking up early and running off to do things and try and “fix” things he finds, however my step children wear my patience thin and lately the three year old girl has been spitting in my face or when I’m laying down or asleep she runs over to dump spit in my face; I’ve tried sitting her down but unfortunately I think she’s too clever for that since she also understands that nothing will happen to her and in the end things will return to normal after sitting. I’ve tried the original poster’s tactic, but to no avail. I also recently overheard her eight year old brother explaining to her that I can’t do anything to them and only sit them and that they don’t have to listen to me since I’m not their father.
I really don’t know what to do and it’s pouring a serious strain on my relationship too.
we have a student who always spits, punches impulsively the students in the class. The teacher talks to him and teaches him how to communicate if is being annoyed by other students but still the student do it again. What are other strategies can you suggest to us.
My son is going to be 3 in Dec an he is so smart an a fast learner but I need help. He is in daycare an has been doing very good but he has been having some not so good days for ex. He loves to climb on everything an he jumps from where he is off recently the spitting is new when throwing his fits but know its getting really bad he picked up a chair in daycare an threw it at anothef kid now he has never done that I just don’t know where all this anger is coming from. When he’s told not to do something an I tell him he will copy me an still do it what are ways to help with this he is my only child I just need help. My mom has recently passed a few months ago an now I don’t have her to help so I figured I would ask on here.
I have a 3 yo son who is still non verbal and doesnt utter
A single word..he knows few words which he says when prompted..Now for the last 10 days he has got habbit of spitting
And we believe he does for fun or when he gets angry..we have got him evalutaed for non verbal part and the doc says he doesnt
Come under ASD but we have to take him out lots and not show him mobiles or computers..Anyone here has same problem like non verbal and picked up habbit of spitting?
Hi – I have a 3.5 year old and he has this same spitting issue. My issue is that he does not seem to understand this whole “time out” concept because he does not yet developmentally understand cause and effect. I am a single Mom and I think part of the problem is that he always has an audience because my mother is always around. But the spitting occurs even when she isn’t. Any time I tell him NO or ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do, he spits in my face. if i put him in time out, he does’t even sit for 5 seconds and he escalates to melt down immediately. The most frustrating thing is that he turns it on and off like a light switch. I feel like I am losing this battle. Any thoughts or suggestions would be welcomed.
Hi.I have a 4yr old nephew. He still can’t talk.only few words like mum. Dad.car . he keeps spitting on people when he doesn’t like something .tried to make him sit back like you said but instead of calming him. He threw himself down and hitting his head on the floor. At school its the same problem,him hitting friends or spitting. His teacher let him scribble or do anything as he is not interested in the class. He also gets help from the support teacher but no improvement. Can someone help or guide me.ty
Have you tried the strong father/mother method?… includes fear stare down, a one liner that will be a staple of “I’m definitely in trouble”, and a belt .. if you dont agree with this method then are you really willing to try everything to keep your kid from becoming a future public issue for all of us?
Never did I ever have to get spanked by my dad, all it took was a look , a marine stare down, and that was it
i was little , but i remember i did that thing and my mother said ” i used to do that but then i got this mole on my neck ! and if you spit like this you will get one”.That tricked worked on me.