What to do When Spouses Disagree About Parenting
By Deborah Godfrey
When two people get married and decide to have children, they rarely talk about the specifics of how they plan to raise these children. When spouses disagree about parenting, most people have a “de facto” attitude. One that says, “My parents raised me x, y or z way and I turned out just fine and I’ll raise my kids that same way”. While the wonderful person they married has the same idea and attitude, but that parent was raised with a, b and c parenting.
So the real problems begin when these two parents have a two-year old and their parenting styles begin to clash. When these spouses disagree about parenting issues, what usually happens is that one parent tends to be more strict and the other parent tends to be more lenient. The strict parent gets angry when the lenient parent allows too much leeway. The lenient parent gets upset when the strict parent is too restrictive. So the strict parent gets stricter and the lenient parents gets more permissive.
Now the parents are battling all the time over how to discipline.
The children have a field day of misbehavior in this dynamic, learning to play one parent against the other and running amuck. The relationship between the parents is most important. That is, how the two parents work together to raise the children, needs to be higher priority than the parenting skills of either parent. I cover this topic and many more in my Positive Parenting recorded online class.
What do you do when spouses disagree about parenting?
It would be great if parents could have conversations about the specific details of child-rearing, specifically how to handle discipline and behavior issues. However, most parents don’t have a context for this discussion until they are actually raising their own children. One of the pieces of advice I would give couples contemplating children would be to have many, “What would we do in this situation?” discussions. Observe other parents and their children. Then talk about how you would each prefer to handle the situation. This can give you a great deal of information about how your partner plans to parent your future children. For those of us already married, we can use this idea to gain more insight about our partner.
In a situation where discussing your child becomes a battle, try looking at another parent's issue with a child. Then discuss together how that parent could do things differently and what each of you would do in the situation. It is easier to know what someone else should do, so make sure to bring the discussion back to yourselves. See how you can apply that advice in the challenges you are facing with your children.
For example, I had been having a difficult time know where to set boundaries with my 17 year old daughter.
I wasn’t certain about how much involvement my husband, her step-dad, wanted or needed to have in the often heated discussions she and I had been having. A friend of ours was having similar, yet even more extreme issues with his son. His wife, the step-mom, and my husband parent similarly. I asked my husband what he thought the step-mom’s role was, how much involvement she should have in the situation, and what she should do. His answers were very interesting and not what I had expected. This guided my decision about how much I could and should involve my husband in the issues between my daughter and I.
There is one main action that can bring the two of you back on track
A couple identifies that they are undermining each other’s parenting, and are willing to work on it. There is one main action that can bring the two of you back on track. If you have created the dynamic where one of you has become the strict one and the other the more lenient one, you may hate this advice, but it works. In fact, it’s the only way it can work to bring the two of you back on the same parenting team. Here it is: The strict parent gets to be the parenting leader. The lenient parent has to follow the lead of the strict parent in discipline situations**. You cannot do it in the reverse! If you follow this advice, what will happen is that the two of you will begin to move closer together.
When the strict parent is supported, then he or she can stop over-compensating for the leniency of the other.
The strict parent becomes more flexible and generous in parenting. Usually the lenient parent sees that the children are not suffering, and in fact are benefitting from the more firm rules and structure of the strict parent. The lenient parent can learn to be more firm in his or her parenting and come closer to being on the team with the strict parent. Now the two of you both become kind and firm parents and each support each other. You can feel confident the other is disciplining the children with the best of intentions, actions and results. You can have beneficial discussions on what to do with the children. Each of you can feel that you have someone on your side when the parenting gets tough. Doesn’t that sound much better?
The parent's relationship is setting the example for how the entire family should be
The children of a couple with a loving supportive relationship, and that back each other up as parents, but have marginal parenting skills will be better off than a couple that is at war but knows all the latest and greatest parenting tools and skills. The parent's relationship is setting the example for how the entire family should be. As the role model and leader, it has more influence that just about any other dynamic in the family. So, if your relationship has taken a back seat to the kids, maybe it’s time to schedule that date night again. Spend more time at the beginning and end of each day connecting as a couple, and if necessary, get into some couples counseling. Those things can benefit your children much more than reading a parenting book or taking a parenting class. And do read the book and take the class --after you have re-committed to keeping your relationship on track!
**If the strict parent is abusive, please seek the help of a hotline, counselor or therapist, do not follow this advice**
Deborah has been teaching parenting classes and workshops for 30+ years. She is passionate about parenting, relationships and children.
Thank you so much for this post. My husband and I are in that exact situation at the moment. He is the strict one and I am overcompensating. I will try what you say and hopefully we will get back onto the same page.
Hi i was hoping to get some advice to what i see as a very big problem with some possibly serious repercussions. My girl friends 2 yr old daughter has i guess had a history of claiming that the people around her are hitting and hurting her; when in fact they aren’t. When she comes back to our house from her fathers she will out if no where randomly claim that ive hit her, pushed her down, grabbed her roughly, screamed in her face ect. My girl friend knows that this isnt true….for now. Its my fear that one day given the right combination that she could be convincing enough for this to become a really big problem. Her mom doesnt really do much about this except for make her say sorry which she does while grinning and laughing. I know that down the road this could lead to the possibility of incarceration, a fight, or her dad doing god knows what. Im about to walk out because of this but we have twins due any moment now and i dont know what to do
I have a real issue with this dynamic. I feel like balance is a very important thing in a marriage and when you create an opposite dynamic in the marriage you are intentionally off setting that balance. Why do us men have to be the “enforcers” (the bad guys). And in what relationship did this type of dynamic ever create a balance? I’m in this kind of relationship now and the inevitable always happens. I’m expected to deal with the kids when they are not listening while I’m also expected to deal with them going directly to their mother to get around me.
I’m expected to be stern but not to stern. I can’t get on the kids every time they mess up but I’m called in when they have pissed mom off so bad she’s screaming. I work hard to build the character of the children so that things don’t escalate to the point of yelling. But when my wife lets them off the hook it undo’s all the work I put in to show them it’s not right to do that.
What happens is I talk to my wife, we sit down and talk and she changes for about 2 weeks. Then I call her out for slipping back. She gets pissed for me calling her out and the cycle returns.
The only way I see parenting working is if both parents demand the same level from each child as the other. There can’t be a good guy/bad guy I can’t see how that could ever work. That’s an interrogation tactic used to throw off criminals under investigations how could that ever work with parenting. The idea it self is designed to confuse people. It confuses the children because the children don’t know who is really in charge and who is just a puppet who’s strings may be manipulated if the puppet master isn’t around.
Hi I’m a child and right now my siblings are causing marital problems with my mum and my step dad. Of course people normally wouldn’t blame them as my siblings have at least 3 mental disorders each, but they are really destroying everything as personally I love my step dad but my little sister who is about 2 years younger than me(10) and all of a sudden she’s afraid of the dark or to be alone. She constantly whines about the tiniest things imaginable. For instance, one time my mum asked her to pass the tomato sauce and then she started yelling and telling her to get it herself. Anyway I have no idea how to get them to pull their heads in because my mum and step dad are clueless and keep getting into fights. So I thought that because my brother is scared of my dad I could get him to deal with it. Anyway if any of you could help me out that would be great.
Im cracking up! “Follow the strict leader” because while part of this is IDEAL – that he will then become more lenient \ soft\ empathetic instead of just defensive about EVERYTHING which 99% is only on what 1 kid is doing – i tried this. It did NOT work. It just added to his ego that he is justified.
this is terrible advice. Currently, my childrens’ mother would consider herself the more strict one, but only because she is quick to anger, flies into a rage, and will scold and punish the children at the drop of a hat because she’s in a bad mood about something else. That’s not strict, that’s abusive. I consider myself just as “strict”, but my approach tends to be more calm and rational. When I correct our children’s behavior I tend to focus on setting the example and teaching a lesson. If my kid stole a candy bar, I would let him know what he did was wrong as we walked back to the store to return the candy bar and have him tell the shop owner what happened and ask if there were some chores he could do for free to make up for the transgression. Then my kid would learn to take accountability for his actions, as well as how to be honest and make amends for his mistakes. His mother would fly off the handle, scream and yell for 30 minutes and smash his tablet and ask him how he liked having his things taken away. While that is a contrived example, she actually does things like this. For instance, when he picks on his sister she’ll just do the same thing back to him. If he pushes his sister on the ground, she’ll push him on the ground, if he hits his sister she hits him, etc. I’m not more lenient. I’m less abusive.
Telling someone to fall in line with a parent like that is despicable, and this is the scenario a lot of people reading this post are probably facing. What do our kids learn when you only teach them the values you believe in when the other parent is not around, then when the other parent is around, you stand by silently as your child watches you do nothing when that parent violates those values, and your child’s trust right in front of you? How can I tell my son hitting is wrong, and then say but it’s okay when mom does it? Then if his sister hits him and he hits her back as mom does, how do you punish that without being a total hypocrite.
Ben,
If you read this article to the end, you will see in bold the statement, “**If the strict parent is abusive, please seek the help of a hotline, counselor or therapist, do not follow this advice**”
Which is exactly your point and I agree with you.
I’m not sure why you would blast the article when it is exactly the point you are making.
Debbie
What a crock! I tried this and my husband became even more overbearing and domineering. My daughter is 34 and my twin sons 32 and thy don’t want to be around him.
Well did this work in the end?
It doesn’t work. Now the kids have to deal with an overbearing dad AND a strict mom. It doesn’t help him to stop being so emotionally mean to them.
What about when one parent is permissive 95% of the time, and 5% of the time extremely strict? Which has meant that the other parent has not had the choice between strict or permissive, but deals with each situation with her kids on a day by day basis, knowing the unpredictability of the outbursts of the other parent, that are infrequent but have a dramatic impact, could come at any time? So other parent (me) tries to discipline in different ways, (using point systems, rewarrd charts, time outs & time-ins), but because I am the only one trying ti follow something consistently, I feel undermined all the time, because treats are given at all times of the day regardless of how things are going, treats are now actually not even treats, they have become expected, & I have felt entirely no control over the situation. I also just learned something that shocked me, making me feel even more ineffectual and undermined as a parent: I got upset when my 5 year old hit my 2 year old, & implemented a rule my husband & I had agreed upon that if we fount out that he was indeed hitting his little brother, we would not be able to have his handheald game for the entire day. My husband & I agreed on this, but I learned (through our new set up of a motion activated recording sensor, none of us was used to it, I think one of us wants to see it again either) when going through & deleting motion videos (dog jumping on the couch! 🙂 unfortunately learned in a recording that my husband told my 5 year old son that “Mommy made the decision to take his game away, she’s still mad at you, so you better do something to get back on her good side.” Then he told our son he was sorry, & kissed him. He didn’t mention anything about hitting his little brother in the face (totally defenseless, strapped in his high chair, but regardless!!!) being wrong, did not mention that he thought our son had done anything wrong, & then went on to tell him I couldn’t “handle” hearing our 2 year old scream, & cry, & went on to tell him because I have my period.I was shocked, dismayed, utterfly “dumb”founded. (Really feel dumb for not knowing, but never considered it would happen.) He undermined me, blamed my being upset about my son’s hitting on my being irrational because of my period, kissed him, essentially causing a rift between us as parents. I am always the one who tries to calm my husband down when he blows his fuse, screams like crazy, & scares the children so much trhat they are crying, & that no matter what they had done in the beginning is out the window because the reaction from their Dad inadequately compares to incident, so I am trying to save them from the scary screaming, out of place, & over the top. But I try to implement consistent rules, & every single day, I find it is again somehing I have no control over. I come down at 6:30 am tto my kids havng ice cream & sprinkles, it’s not even a treat, it’s expected. I’m at a loss, I have no suport system in place, & feel nothing I ever do will evre make a difference. It is so hard to even feel like anything I do matters, to be honest, it is becoming depressing, I feel overwhelmed by it, and like a HUGE failure. If I had family or friends or money, things surely would be different, but I feel at a loss. I have no support system. Is there a free support line, or something maybe anyone may recommend? I’d love any gentlr suggestions. (Gentle, please, I know this is hard for my kids to go through the confusion, & I am trying so hard on my own to figure out how to make it work out best for everyone, well truly their best interest is my first, MAIN concern, i am trying, even if it sounds like I’m doing a bad job, failing, please be gentle.) Thanks.
I don’t have any words of wisdom but I just want to say you are not alone. You totally described my husband, even down to blaming them getting in trouble for bad behavior on my hormones. He also says things like, “I don’t know why she’s mad, just do whatever she says so she stops.” Even if I am trying to enforce a rule HE made. He gives back toys and electronics after I’ve taken them away and tells them to hide things from me. As far as the suddenly explosive part, my husband is bipolar. It would be something to check out if your husband would be willing. Just please know that this is not you. No one can parent effectively while being constantly undermined. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
I’m in this situation now and it has grown to my 4 year old having no respect for me at all. He laughs in my face when he tells her not to listen to me, that I’m just running my mouth, nevermind that she just smacked my face or spit at me or threw toys at our rabbit. I feel like everything is escalating beyond control.
You need to leave this relationship so you can be the healthy, mature mentor/model for your children!
Oh girl, you are not alone. I’m undermined by him, his MOTHER, HIS SISTER.. it’s infuriating to the point that I’m crying writing this because I know what you’re going through. And we are the bad guys for getting on family for not backing me up or implementing rules at grandparents house that we have at home. And my son is 1. They give him candy ALL DAY. Feeds him McDonald’s for EVERY meal.. and they wonder why I’m a B**** for not wanting my son to go over to their house. I pack food, it gets ignored. I pack clothes, they put clothes they bought and make a big fuss if I don’t send him in something they bought.. news flash.. I don’t keep up with that crap. Whatever is clean, he puts on. End of story. His mother will purposely play with the hose with him so that he HAS to change clothes into whatever she got him.. like it’s beyond the point of being grateful.. it’s intrusive it’s demeaning as a mother. And my husband barely backs me up.. he only works weekends but during the week when he’s home.. he’s in the studio.. don’t even get me started on naps and schedules… this post could go on and on.. but if you ever need to talk; please email me.. maya4you1@gmail.com
Can I say I hate my kid because of my partner ? I love this boy to death. He’s super loving & has his special corks, but I just came in to his life when he was 4 about to be 5 now 6 so two years. He went from screaming saying toy toy every time we passed a Walmart or any store with toy, now why would he do this ? I come to find out my partner would buy him a toy every time she would go to the store and it wasn’t even because he was being good, because I’ve done that be good and you get a treat. No this woman would get him a toy because he was crying and screaming that he wanted one. But that was instilled in him because she would do that all the time. So who’s fault is it that he’s like that ?? It’s her fault . He’s learned that if he acted that way he’d get he’s way. Two years later he no longer screams when passing the store but I told take him with me to the store . Now you read that short story now just imagine how bad this kid is at home because she doesn’t say anything and I’m the one that has too yet she gets annoyed and frustrated when I keep having to say something to him … well if someone else said something I probably wouldn’t sound annoying because I wouldn’t be the only one saying it yet you just want him to run rapid because you think that’s what kids should be doing …. kids can have a place to play the whole house isn’t a place area . But I guess I’m wrong .. and I would love nothing more than to switch roles and he be the bad cop and me be the good cop but that’s never going to happen because she can’t bare to see him sad, in discomfort, or anything but happy and mad I think she likes when he’s mad …
that’s a joke but she don’t care to hear me out yet since I’ve came in your life I’m sorry but that kid has only gotten better because of me and what I have instilled in him not because of her and I’m scared that if I were to leave her he would be lost
Im in the same boat. Sorry I dont have answers. Wish I did because then I wouldn’t feel like a failure either. It sucks the life out of me. Im a stay at home mom. 18 years and he has no respect for me and somehow I allowed the negative in. My youngest is 14. He has some anxiety and depression so I often have to pick him up for misbehaving. I have to be on call, its my job and I must earn my keep. I love being a mom, just hate that the respect is missing. I can now sort of see it when my kids look at me. He wants to be friends with the kids, im just trying to be a goid stable parent. He makes it very hard.
I appreciate you sharing your situation and your feelings. Truly , thank you. I could completely relate to your feelings of frustration and emotional despair, while still continuing to be a good mom to your kids. I am in a similar situation with the other parent always redirecting and dismissing the real issue at hand, in exchange for dumping the motive for good behavior as being to avoid getting “mommy upset”. Ugggh! So awful that the issue is not about you getting upset, but rather that your child acted or did something that is not acceptable, and therefore now has a consequence to face. This is not rocket science. It’s very simple ultimately. Maybe not fun for the kid who is getting a punishment for the actions they chose and need to learn to handle differently. But they never get the chance to learn what they did wrong because the other parent disregards you and the importance of discipline, respect and personal accountability.
You are a good mom.
I think that any disagreement of parenting issues between spouses that leads to an argument or conflict between spouses should be done behind closed doors to your children. Healthy disagreements are a good thing as long as the spouses are able to work out some form of resolution for the issue. After both parents have given some ground and worked out the issue and agreed upon some type of solution that both spouses can live with, they should present the parenting solution that both have agreed upon to the child or children together and as a united front. It is not good for children to have one parent telling them one thing and the other parent telling them something else. This can lead to the children feeling the need to choose sides and that is something you never want your child to have to do. This is why it is so important that parents should try and have any arguments or disagreements about the parenting of their children in a place that the children cannot see or hear them. The only thing the children need to see and hear is one thing from both parents.
I think I’m starting to detest not only the father of my child, but also my child and I don’t know what to do. Im the mother (a stay at home mom)and i always have to be the bad guy in situations. ALWAYS. My son just turned 3, and all he wants is daddy because he lets him get away with everything. When he does scold him it’s in a baby voice and then he gives him a hug. Like?? He can’t just back me up and say “listen to your mother, be nice to your mother” no he’s got to go over there and just hug him after I scold him . It hurts always being the bad guy. He’s turning into my mother, who also does the same thing to our son. And my husband and I used to always HATE that about my mom. Now he’s the same. It just hurts so bad ya know? Im the mom, but he never wants me. He only wants daddy and granny and it’s literally tearing me apart. If my only son doesn’t want me or like me, what’s the point? Maybe I am just a sh*t mother. I haven’t been this suicidal since my son’s been born, now it’s back and it’s bad. I’m Sorry
Our marriage has been ruined because my husband is so lenient with our children. He just sits there and says nothing if our adult children are rude, swear, throw things at me or in the past have physically hurt me. This has been going on for 10 years and he just keeps apologizing but doesn’t change his behavior. The strange thing is he would never do any of the things that we allows our children to do.
I haven’t a clue how your husbands lack of a parental spine effects how your children treat/interact/respect you!? It just seems to me you have to build and demand respect from your kids, you. My brother and I grew up single parent (mother) and so mom was mom and dad in a way. We had no doubts that she loved us with everything she was but we also knew if we did not fall in line there would be hell to pay! Good cop bad cop literally all in one person, she was a police detective for 10 years. She loved us and gave us respect and she demanded back nothing less.
This is to Scott. If one parent treats the other parent a particular way, the kids learn to also treat that parent the same way. So if daddy rollls his eyes at mama the kids will try it too, and when daddy tells kids don’t mind her when she tries to send them to timeout guess what happens. So I don’t know why you would use your story and tell her it’s her fault. It doesn’t happen for single parents the same way.
My husband is usually passive but when he wants to enforce anything for my 15 year daughter he always takes the path of punishments – he would say something like Wash you face at 5 – then take her phone away or cut off her internet or apply screen time locks if she didn’t do it by that time. Also he cuts off tv or texting time Or locks her laptop for months at a time if she argues with him or critiques him. While there is no physical punishment going on this has caused an environment of her living in constant anxiety because she doesn’t what he will cut and how much is she slips up even once.
Confronting him is no use – he says I am not strict enough and want my daughter to be dependent on me my entire life and that he is teaching her life lessons. My problem is that it keeps her in a constant stare of anxiety which build up into anger – but she feels she cannot talk to him to resolve it because she thinks he will just find a way to punish her for that. Also he doesn’t tell her what he will cut off, when and why so it’s really stressful to find something has happened and figure out it might have been
I don’t think it always has to be the lenient parent who compromises their parenting style. I’m more lenient than my partner, but I am conscientious about my choices. I insist on certain rules, but I feel there are battles I choose to not make a priority. My partner who works out of the home, while I work in the home, chooses to fight (sometimes quite literally) most battles.
Hi Megan,
I just read this article and know that your comment here is about 2 yrs old. I agree with you that we (the less strict parent) can’t always follow the strict parent. My husband is very strict but not consistent. He would blow up and ground our child for unreasonable length of time (say two weeks, a month) then cahnged it when he calms down to two days or so. I kept telling him that’s why the kids don’t really respect him, but I don’t think it sticks, he comes back doing that again later. Talking behind close doors (not in front of the kids) don’t always help as he just said that I am not supportive. This article is not for every parents as different people have different situations and personalities.
My question is, how do you solve this problem (what works so far)? Thanks
Yes I can relate!.. ugh it’s so frustrating !… every time my daughter stays home with my partner.. they have a day full of battles . So he puts her to do shores for a big part of the day. I choose my battles .. he picks all of them.. he is like in a power trip!.
I am at a point that I don’t know if I want to continue to stay in a relationship with him. Parenting it’s already hard , I don’t need someone to add to the stress. Specially bc he has only been in our life a couple of years.
Thanks for your article. My husband and I don’t work together and often argue and yell in front of the kids about how he talks, shouts and disciplines our kids. I feel that his reactions towards little things ends up snowballing into a huge argument and leads us not talking for days. I know how damaging this is for my 2 girls (15,8) and don’t know how else to handle the situation, as talking about it just leads to another argument.
My smaller daughter is always doing things to anger him and his starting to or already dislike her. I feel that she’s still little and he feels that she must grow up. She does look for a lot of attention and possibly because she’s seeking something. Just an example of what occurred today. While shopping for groceries, my younger daughter stood onto the end of the trolly. He asked her to get off and she didn’t, he the. Shook the trolly and she pretended to be hurt. Naturally me been the mother, concerned about her asked why did you have to do that and his reply was she’s not hurt, she’s just pretending as usual. This lead to an argument and he stormed out the grocery store. Worst was on the way home, he makes comments about her getting her own way and how I don’t side with him and always her. This lead to a bigger argument and yelling, with my kids feeling very upset and crying. I don’t know how to fix this or where to go from here. I’m just so tired.
Unfortunately, parenting disagreements can completely erode the good feelings and affection of spouses toward one another. You say you know how damaging this is to your daughters and I agree. Priority #1 is to get on the same page with your husband. My Positive Parenting Class is a great forum for this. Not only do I help you get on the same page by giving you a much great scope of parenting options, but I help the 2 of you to figure out how to best achieve that when you are working against each other.
It’s great you are looking for answers now. Eventually, it will be just the 2 of you again and you want to be madly in love with him, not resentful!
Hi big issue in my house is my wife is always having the kids go to bed so early. So early to where I don’t even get to see them. We argue about this all the time and says she will try to change it but never does. What can I do because waiting all week to get to see my kids is killing me and she doesn’t understand that. I feel I am always the one giving in and when ever we fight she just threatens to leave. Honestly I think it’s cause she wants a break and putting them to sleep at 5pm is how she can. I understand stay at home mom is hard but just let me help too.
What do you do when 1 parent is TOO strict (my husband) & too stubborn to give in or compromise at all. My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. For instance my freshman daughter doesn’t have a cellphone yet. My junior daughter does & my husband complains all the time that she has no need for a cellphone except when she is driving. My husband goes thru their rooms & throws clothes away he doesn’t like. For instance, I took the girls shopping for short. I told the sales lady that I needed shorts that the girls could wear to school & that the school was strict about the length. The girls tried on the shorts & they looked very nice on them & plenty long. weeks later the girls went to wear their shorts & noticed they were gone. My husband had went thru their drawers & threw them away. I asked him to get them & we would take them into his parents & ask them if they thought they were appropriate or take to his cousin (who is somewhat strict with their kids) & see what they thought……he said he didn’t care what they thought & was going to parent how he wanted.
This has caused some major stress in our marriage. These are just a few of the disagreements we have. We tried couselling however, as soon as the couselor somewhat put my husband on the spot, he refused to go back. Now we are at a point where he works all the time & our marriage I feel is coming to an end……
Brooke,
It’s such a bummer that your conflicts in parenting are ruining your marriage and relationships with your girls. I could certainly coach you (and you’re husband if he’s willing) and see if there is any possibility of getting on the same page together. If the 2 of you took my Online class together, you would have a format from which to discuss how you parent, what your kids are learning, and make choices to go forward together. I am a STRONG advocate that the relationship between the couple is more important than your actual parenting techniques. Listen to my 4-minute Pep Talk on Couples and Parenting. Since I am not a counselor, sometimes it works for the spouse to learn from me because I will be coaching specifically on parenting options and not judging his techniques or digging into his childhood. Use me. I am here for you. -Debbie
MY HUSBAND AND I DISAGREE ON HOW TO DISCIPLINE OUR 5 YR OLD GRANDAUGHTER. WHEN I TELL HER TO STOP DOING SOMETHING ANNOYING OR UNNECESSARY OR DANGEROUS, HE ALWAYS UNDERMINES ME AND ASK ME WHY CAN’T SHE OR WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? OF COURSE SHE IS USING THIS TO GET OR DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS. IF SHE DOESN’T GET HER WAY, SHE YELLS ” PAWPAW” AND HE COMES RUNNING. IF I RAISE MY VOICE TO HER, WHEN SHE WILL NOT BEHAVE AFTER NUMEROUS ATTEMPTS TO GET HER TO STOP, HE RUNS IN AND STARTS YELLING AT ME! IT IS A CONSTANT BATTLE WHEN SHE VISITS US. NO MATTER WHAT I SAY, HE SAYS THE OPPOSITE. HER MOM AND DAD CAN’T GET HER TO MIND THEM FOR SEVERAL DAYS AFTER SHE HAS BEEN AROUND HIM AND ARE TALKING ABOUT NOT LETTING HER COME OVER. I LOVE MY GRANDAUGHTER AND THIS HURTS ME TO THE CORE. I HAVE TRIED TO TALK TO HIM NUMEROUS TIMES AND HE SAYS I AM OVERREACTING TO EVERYTHING. THEN HE STARTS TELLING ME . PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE OR DIRECT ME TO A BOOK ABOUT MY SITUATION. I AM TIRED OF BEING LOOKED AT AS THE BAD GUY BECAUSE I TRY TO GET HER TO ACT RIGHT.
Brenda,
I’m so sorry for your frustration. I think you realize this is a marriage counseling issue between you and your husband and not really a parenting issue. If your husband could realize the mistakes he is making and ask for helping in (grand)parenting better/differently, then I could help with coaching. But he would need to be open before you or me or anyone could teach him a different approach. Perhaps losing access to his grand daughter will give him that motivation. Please feel free to call me if you would like to set up some coaching 805-648-6846. In the meantime, perhaps you can get your husband to listen to a recording of my talk about power struggles and other ways to handle them. He may be more open after listening to this.
I feel for ya! I would not be able to stand it if I couldn’t see my grandbaby!!!!
Hugs to you,
Debbie
I hope you leave him. He sounds terrible .
So you’re raising your granddaughter?
Hello. So my fiance and I have four kids. A boy and a girl from his previous marriage and a boy and a girl together. For quite some time now, we have been having a lot of issues with the oldest. She is not quite a teenager yet. They spend 1 week at our home and 1 week with their mom and her boyrfriend (which is always on and off). The daughter has been going to school claiming that I am mean and she is scared of me etc, when I’m not sure why. I am a strict parent as where their dad is more lenient. It has gotten worse the older she gets and it’s getting to the point where she is almost happy it seems when him and I are not happy together because that means I’m not there to have some of the attention. We fight more now because we are having social services coming to see us because she has been saying many things to her school and councellor, which is absurd. I feel like I’m loosing my family and losing the love of my life, and he says that his kids come first and I need to find a way to get her to like me…. I disagree and am kind of heartbroken that he doesn’t understand why I feel so terrible or why I am do sensitive to these things. Please help!! We have gone to one therapist that was a terrible choice for our family. It’s gotten to the point as of tonight that he doesn’t want to look at me and I may be sleeping on the couch. Open to anything.
Dawn,
This is so sad! without some help it does sound like your potential blended family will not make it together. I can hear that you are doing your best to provide support and discipline to the kids and your fiance is doing his best to keep the kids and the ex happy. Unfortunately, by not working together, you both are providing a “field day” of misbehavior possibilities for the kids. As you read in my article, couples can usually come together by having the less strict parent follow the more strict parent’s lead.
Every blended family is different. I would need to know more details about all of you to properly guide you. Sometimes when I coach parents (couples) in blended situations, I will suggest more team work. In other situations, I will coach the step parent to take a back seat and leave the discipline to the bio parent. And the reason is to protect you from exactly what is happening to you right now…getting blamed. In all cases, I will guide you through specifically handling the misbehavior situations when they occur with concrete words and actions and get both of you on board with the plan.
If he is open to coaching, you can contact me and I can set up coaching calls with the two of you. Or I can help you navigate this by yourself.
I wish you the best,
Debbie
805-648-6846
My “partner” emailed this to me… He is new to our family… going on 2 years with us. He has zero parenting experience, but a lot of opinions and expectations about how to discipline children. My daughter is 6… she is not accustomed to being yelled at or manhandled by an angry male. She is not accustomed to a parent/guardian withholding affection bc they are still mad about something that happened an hour ago.
His behaviour has led me to strip him of most of his disciplinary authority over my child. He may not spank, or physically handle her at all bc he broke our trust when he slapped her at 5 yrs old for spitting. Now the result is he feels the frustration of having no real means of recourse when addressing my childs behaviour… Ive left him with time out, send her to bed, or defer the issue to me. He may also withhold or give rewards, treats, liberties… but I have noticed he tends to use even that as a means of antagonizing my child rather than for positive reinforcement. He fancies himself the “strict” parent and feels I swoop in and undermine his authority…. but as the biological parent when I see my child not following directions… I am unable to address that issue immediately when there is an even bigger threat of a full grown angry adult shouting, red in the face, and trying to pry something out of my childs hand or trying to physically force her to move…. pull her, pick her up… he chooses to engage in physical contact which isnt necessary… and to me is over the top… and usually the reason I have to postpone immediately addressing my childs bad behaviour bc now I have to de-escalate a situation, make sure my kid is ok…. and THEN find out what happened, why, and discipline her. I also often find the conflict occured bc he refuses to have a dialogue with a child. If she insits that she needs something that he thinks she doesnt need… he will say no and expect her to go away. If she is persistent in asking… he will get upset. If she takes matters into her own hands, he will get upset… but rarely will he ever inquire further to find out the reason behind why she asked… and usually the reasons are very innocent… maybe a little misguided… and def something an adult mind would have found a simple satisfactory compromise for, if only they invested time in understanding the child. So no. I will not let this wannabe strict parent take any sort of parenting lead when it comes to disciplining my daughter…. pfffft
Exactly why your a horrible parent and why he will eventually leave!
Just because he is not “DAD”…. Does not mean he does not care or that he should not be able to be the parent without being scared of what you might say or change.
Your the one failing your child and your relationship!
When my husband and I are having a conversation our kids come and interrupt. They are 3 and 4 years old. I usually see what they want then go back to the conversation. My husband thinks I should tell them to wait and not interrupt our conversation. This has caused many fights and I’m wondering how to handle this situation. Thanks.
Kids are notorious for this. Mine were perfectly good… until I get on the telephone or start having a conversation with another adult. My upbringing taught me that it is extremely rude to boldly interrupt adults who are speaking or on the phone unless its a true emergency. There is a polite way to do it if need be. So it took my wife and I first to get on the same page about how we both will handle it. Then apply it consistently until it finally stuck. The kids will decide if they should approach and if they do they will hold until the appropriate time to say something or more than likely wait until we ask them, yes? Its not always perfect either so its not worth melting down when the rules revert back from time to time, they are kids.
I would ask the child if some one is hurt or in trouble. If the answer is no then kindly say “then please wait until we are finished with our conversation”. Explain to husband that interrupting someone, while rude, can sometimes being necessary .
He is right. You need to teach your kids Respect. Teaching kids that they should not interrupt when adults are talking is important. Learning to be patient and learning how to act is a huge problem and why we as parents are having such problems with our kids these days.
My husband is on the verge of leaving our family because I have not shown a united front to our son for some time. This is my action plan in case anyone is interested and I would also welcome some feedback from Deborah!
My son is experiencing internal conflict because of the lack of congruency between me and my husband. he has been more disciplined with our 4 years old son for some time now. And although I have not been so bad by ‘normal’ standards, the conflict within our son exists as Hubby and I are not fully aligned to our family style.
My solution – I am closely observing my son and in ym mind making it all about him…because I have made parenting about me sadly!
I am being very strict with him and i have told him that this is not to punish him, that he has done nothing wrong and that he may not like me but this is what i have to do to make positive changes within our tribe. I also told him that I do not want to be so strict on him but that this is what i must do in order to protect and guide him. that this is my duty.
This morning I told him all this and then proceeded to be disciplined a lot more then ever before. I am watching for the shift within him to where he is not feeling that internal conflict.
I am not being angry towards my son, but because as a family we practice internal martial arts it does look quite strict. The way i see it is that because of my lack of consistency I have created this wall and i need now to crank it up…more then even my hubby so that I can equalise this situation within our family.
The longer I have done nothing the more strict I need to be in order to counter balance what was created in the first place. Although my son is still young it takes time to change what has manifested.
I hope so much that I can enable this change now within my son and fast and that my hubby will choose to stay. I understand that it is only natural for people to lose heart eventually and not much can be done about this natural progression as the one you love lets go. I am very sad right now but determined to make this change.
Deborah i really like what you wrote and I believe in your stratedgy. I feel like what you wrote is a like a map and this has helped me have faith in the ‘map’ that I have just recently started implementing. I often have thought that things [people] take time to change, but I want to see change happen fast naturally now within my son…simply due to me finally being consistent not because I am pressuring my son to change…this si not what I am doing with him.
I am happy to write out what I am attempting with my son in case that helps others find their own way in turning around family dynamics. Just let me know.
When was this article written? I am in a parenting class and my teacher asked us to pic an article…this one was the best. It’s informant and I agree with what your saying.
So basically the strict parent gets thier own way? This doesn’t seem right. My husband is being far to strict to the point where it’s knocked my sons self confidence. I can’t stand by and let him do this. I think your theory might work in certain situations, but when you have an arrogant no it all husband like mine it doesn’t because he’ll simply just turn around and say ‘told you so’ regardless of the negative consequences this would have on the child. If you give an inch he takes a mile.
My 14 yr old daughter is in a relationship her step dad and I don’t agree with. I handled the situation by taking privilege away. He said for me to handle it. But he doesn’t wanna let it go. He keeps nagging her about it. He also thinks whooping her will make her dump this boy. I’m so stressed about the situation. I don’t want to lose my daughter.
I have 2 daughters and my wife ALWAYS points out how I would treat the other differently if it was her getting in trouble… this happens EVERYDAY. And she does it right in front of them so they know there is something to point out. My older daughter is starting to mention the same thing every time now… “if it was her doing it she this wouldn’t be an issue”…. Im about to go crazy on her.
Wow! Really?
You had me right up until you offered your advice. You sound like a lively person but how is it positive parenting to reinforce unnecessarily strict parenting?
If you took the time to define your terms and create parameters around reasonable strictness, perhaps I could be more compassionate, but as it is this article is irrespponsible at best and potentially dangerous. An asterisk hardly begins to address the risk your article poses to families searching for answers you complicated questions.
What data are you referencing when you confidently posit that the stricter parent will always relax when they are supported?
If your husband is like that, congratulations! Please don’t present your experience as remotely universal.
Absolutely, I followed this advice and its led to nothing but my partner ramping up the controlling and yelling to a point where I now feel like its damaging. I’ve had to take back control which has led to confusion and more fighting with my partner as I put my foot down and draw a line on what is ok and what is not. My teen is now so much in conflict with my partner that every request has become a battle ground. Allowing the ‘stricter’ parent to take the lead was a complete disaster and Im now not sure that we can even stay together
I’m sorry but I completely disagree with this because that’s what I tried to do and it absolutely did not work. I’m the more lenient parent, and I am that way with good reason because my child is very sensitive and becomes easily overstimulated by overly stern discipline. My husband is strict about everything. I mean, our child is two years old, so there are a lot of little things he’s constantly learning and trying. My husband gets furious if there is any loud sound in the house ever. If our child drives a toy car on the wall, my husband gets mad instantly. If we knock on a door a single time more than he wants us to (when he’s on the other side of the door), he yells at us to stop. If our son “sits wrong” on the couch, he gets mad. Basically there is no room for the child to actually play, just be a rule following robot, which is impossible for me, let alone a toddler. I tried to just be his back up, enforce his rules even though I think they’re ridiculous. But he’s not “coming around” or “softening up”, he just get’s more and more impatient with us when he finds something new to disapprove of. It just makes him feel more self riotous and me resent him even more. Your advice basically amounts to me, the one doing 98% of the actual parenting, mindlessly following the rules set out by my spouse who is only even around us for maybe 30 minutes a day, just to keep him from being angry with us. NO, that’s just terrible advice. That’s not coming together as parents, that’s a clear winner and loser.
and to be clear, we DID talk about parenting before hand. We were very clear about what our experiences were as kids and what kind of parents we would be. We did discuss specific scenarios. guess what, that’s useless! what you think you’ll do and reality are not one and the same.
Kate, im so sorry you are going through this. Do not follow the insane advice in this article. It assumes that the strict partner is emotionally intelligent, willing to learn, and stable. Im afraid thats not the case with a lot of us. Based on what you described, I recommend you both read touchpoints by dr. Brazleton (on amazon). It focuses on the social-emotional development of the child and how parents can support (hint: parents need to adapt). Everything your child is doing is wonderful and normal. You are a great mom to encourage your son’s exploration. Look into Maria Montessori as well if you havent already. She talks a lot about how to respect children and make an environment they can thrive in. Finally, your husband sounds miserable. If hes reacting to these small things with arbitrary “rules” and if after informing himself about how kids actually develop he is still like this, id seek counseling.
Hi, I have Asperger Syndrome, and I used to get VERY UPSET if I saw someone doing something differently from how we did it in my household. My parents were both pretty strict about manners as well as other aspects of my brother’s and my behavior (although, I always felt like they were stricter about mine than they were about his). I think it would have been easier for me not to get upset if one of my parents seemed stricter than the other, because I would have seen that different people have different values, and different rules for children.
What if one parent is strict in only some circumstances while the other is strict in other circumstances. How do you determine who is the leader for this
I am concerned what happens if the one ot read this article is the strict one? I am the strict one and my husband likes his peace and quiet more than my need to see our 4 year old disciplined. If I show him this article, and ask him to follow my lead or back me up he will dismiss me for “going looking for something you want on the internet” and “there are always opposing articles available on the internet”
At present his bitterness for me and my resentment for always being told I need to let things go is at an all-time high. Even if I express my disapproval in a small grunt (didn’t even call the kid out for anything), he gets riled up at me. I feel like with his ego about how “right” his way of raising our kid is, he will never agree to this approach of following the stricter parent. Almost feel like our marriage is on the line – please help!
Valerie Mondesir Alarcon. When two people get married and decide to have children, they rarely talk about the specifics of how they plan to raise these children.
I have a similar problem where I am my husband totally disagree on parenting . I want to convince him to meet a therapist who could help us .
Whom should I search for these specific problems . I have been looking for someone in our area and did not know which kind of therapist would help us with these issues. Should I search for a Therapist who deals with family issues?
I’m so glad I stumbled across this article! I haven’t been married for very long but I’ve been together with my husband for almost a year now. He has two kids and I became a step parent over night. Discipline is something we fight about often. He’s the softy, I’m the strict one. I’m with the kids all day everyday while he is at work and I babysit other kids from home. It is very frustrating to see the kids get away with so many things with their dad when I’ve been working with them all day to establish house rules and boundaries. It seems like we are hardly ever on the same page. And the more lenient he is…the stricter I get so that I feel I can compensate for it. This article helps so much! And so good to hear I’m not alone in feeling this way!
I have pretty much given up. My husband wants to be the good guy and doesn’t have the balls to stand up to our youngest son who has difficult behavior. He is so lenient. Tonight, he let our son go down to the house of a boy we have never met before. He barely talked to the mom ahead of time. Because of our son’s aggression, we do not let him play a lot on electronics and we have banned any violent games. When our son didn’t come home by 8:30 like my husband told him, my husband did nothing. When I got home, I had to be the one to go down the street and tell our son to come home. The boy and my son were playing an active shooter game. I wanted to choke my husband. When I try to get our sons into a routine and have clear expectations (our other son is autistic) in our home, my husband undermines me in front of the kids. I’ve had it!!!
So what do you do/how do you deal with, a step-parent who tries to push their own sexist opinions onto an adult child that is of the same sex? Do you sit by and say nothing while your kid is being blatantly brainwashed, or do you intervene? I mean, according to the article, leniency stands aside for strict, and in the process strict becomes more relaxed. So if your son is being told to “do what you want without taking your girlfriend’s wants/needs into concideration”, then you should just sit back and LET your husband give your son harmful advice?
My challenge is that what I say to my kid is always challenged and then I ask again and again the same thing and it gets into a pissing match. Then my wife steps in and says the same thing and it gets heard. I explain to my wife that she gets the results since she is seen as the final decision maker due to our kid being allowed to question my decisions all her life. I was never allowed to question one parent decisions since I would get punished since a parents decision is a parents decision and if I trued to pin one parent against the other I would get grounded. My wife does not see it this way since she was not raised the same way. I am constantly being told it is my demeanor, tact, approach and tone of voice that is the reason I do not get the same results. I find it is because our daughter is allowed to disregard my decisions and ask the wife in order to get a better one or a decisions that she likes. It is very debilitating and irritating and causes arguments. Is either way correct?
The real struggle exists in a society that gives both men and women equal voices and roles and essentially puts two chiefs in charge of the village, but without specific roles. If one parent was seen as shaping the kids manners and behaviors and the other as disciplining and toughening them up, life would be better in balance. The freedoms of modern culture have decimated the traditions and expectations of manners, discipline, and respecting the gender roles. Now it’s a big cluster F soup. Good luck to present day men… the tides have turned and we are in uncharted territory.
I have 2 teenage kids. One 15 year old girl and 17 year old boy. Me and my fiancé are at each other’s throat because we don’t have the same discipline tactics. Her child is grown and moved away from home. She always thinks her way is better than mine and that causes conflict between us . I tried to explain because she doesn’t think my way is “ effective “ that doesn’t mean I’m wrong because she did something different with her child when he lived with her. I know it’s hard being in the role of step parent . On the other note what should I do because it is tearing our relationship ship apart. She thinks I should punish my daughter and make her miserable during her punishment and basically make her sit on the couch for months and do nothing but go to school and church . Any ideas.
My 11 year old is suffering because of his parents (me and my wife) fighting with each other about raising him and the other children as well. Because of my past mistakes or even recent mistakes in dealing with my children and because of my background, my family background that is, my wife refuses to allow me to make corrections to my sons behavior. She’s telling me in a very rude way that when he’s talking to her to stay out of it. I’m his father and can clearly see he will suffer without my intervention. I believe this is not beneficial for my son and it causes us to get into a very bad argument.
I have an 18 year old daughter and 14 year old son. My fiance and I have been together for 9 years and have gone through a conversation about cell phone use and my kids. He has never had children, but has done an amazing job and helping me raise mine. My daughter has since moved out as well as my son. But, they still come to visit. We have had a long time rule of cell phones go into a drawer when the are at home, with the exception of my now 18 year old, who doesn’t have to do that. We came to an agreement may years ago that if the kids wanted their phone, they would have to ask. We live in a very small town and I prefer that he has his phone when he goes to town with friends or anywhere else for that matter. My fiance does not agree and everytime he takes his phone, my fiance does not agree that he should have it and I thought that I made it clear that I want him to have it when he goes. My fiance then says weve discussed this time and time again and that is not what I agreed to and that I keep changing the rules. I have changed a lot of my thinking and how I raise my kids, to make him happy by agreeing with his rules. Then we argue, he says he’s done and then I apologize and try to re trace and re do, by changing the rules with my son, which confuses him and my fiance stays upset. Help! what am I doing wrong?
My husband and I are on the brink of divorce of this . It is tearing our extremely blended family apart and I am feeling like my marriage is a one way street. My husband can parent my child (who is not biologically his but whom my child refers to as dad) but I can’t parent his kids ( who are not biologically mine ) in our home. This one way street seems so unfair. I’m told to be fully in his kids life and when I am I’m restricted . It seems like I only can be the parent and be involved in good times only . However if I back away I “don’t love them” 🙁 feeing hopeless…
I liked this article and it makes sense to me. Our parenting was easy until now in the teenage years.
I am the father and the stricter of the two. I believe in really analyzing situations before making a decision. I do my best to make decisions that are always in the best interest of helping the children succeed. It could be a decision to help build charachter for there future challenges or to help there chances of a positive outcome in a current challenging moment.
I am not perfect by any means and always ask myself can I be wrong? I respect my childrens feelings and try to be understanding to how they view the world as teenagers as I was once a rebellious teen. So when I make a decision I take everything into account but in the end I feel a teenager does not have the experience to always make the right decision and you have to put your foot down when it envolves teaching good character or could be harmful to them.
It was easy when they were little because they did not rebel. They just trusted you and you had fun. You would dress them and a way we went. Now an argument can start if you just say put on a jacket it’s cold outside. So imagine what can happen if there are tougher decisions to be made.
I partly blame myself for the lack of respect given to me as a father. I work nights and when not at work I am working at home constantly fixing things to help the family. I am the mechanic, plumber, electrician, carpenter and landscaper to the house to save money. I also coached my kids sports teams in the past. I have always been busy and not around at night. This I think is why I dont have the respect from my kids. My wife has always been the caregiver, the one that makes the dentist appointments, goes clothes shopping, cooks and basically is the more loving and nurturer. In short, she would be with them school shopping while I am at home fixing the broken water heater. I wish I was rich and could of just hired people to do the work and joined them but that was not reality.
So now as they are older they are used to me being out of the picture. I take them to school and pick them up and then off to work. Wife comes home and gets more quality time. That is our life in a nutshell.
In short I feel like I really have no say as a Father. When tough decisions are to be made its best to not include dad because he will not see it our way. Me and my wife usually agree but when it comes to tough decisions I may not agree on, it feels I get pushed aside and things are hidden from me so I dont get upset.
One of my kids decided they were going to quit there high school sports team. They made varsity as a freshman and playing time was very limited. They play travel ball and have always started and been a vital part of the team. There travel team would beat the High School team very easily. In short they now are sitting the bench more than they play. I understand the frustration, the embarrassment, and quite honestly I feel the coach is wrong but its not our decision and dont know all the details. I worry my child is now losing interest, losing confidence, that they are embarresed all the things an athlete would feel.
Today I get a text that my child has decided to quit from my wife. No discussion, nothing. Keep in mind our child has a very good chance of getting an athletic scholarship. The coach has some leverage because they also coach travel were most scholarshios come from.
My issue is not that they are quitting but that a discussion was not had. Did they talk to the coach on their concerns? Were all the options looked at before going so drastic. Also this is a teaching moment. You made a comittment for the season. You may be in a bad situation were you have to prove yourself again. Give it all you got and see how it goes. Dont just quit. If after trying all avenues and finishing your comittment you still feel the same. Then I feel you can make that decision. Now, if this is harmful to you in some way maybe you quit right away but at least have the maturity to discuss this with the coach. In the end it’s just sports and family is more important but it is a challenge that helps mold you. It could be a job were you have a boss that is a jerk but your family is relying on you. Do you have the courage to talk to your boss knowing it could get worse? Do you just quit and hope you find a new job? Do you have the strength to stick it out until you find something better? Its a teaching moment in my opinion. I feel society today always make kids to be victims. Yes there are kids in bad situations but today it feels like you cant get upset and show emotions as a parent because the child may have there feelings hurt. Education helps with tolerance but eventually a child has to know that a parent has the final word or there is no foundation in the home.
In the end I feel I have no say. I am tired of fighting and feel like just giving up. Wife allows our teenager to make tough decisions that can affect us all. Do not think its right to not include me and tired of making this point over and over. I feel I am not important in this family. That I am just here to fix things and bring home a pay check. I feel this can even hurt our marriage.
John
While this advise may seem, at first glance, rather absolute, it is the path I wish my lenient spouse would take. After years of being the “parent on point” with our high school senior in terms of raising him (e.g., from planning play-dates as a young child, to helping him with the college app process and everything in between, including structure and discipline), I have finally decided to remove myself from the discipline part of parenting and let my spouse lead. And I have done this for one key reason: I’m tired of the fighting with my spouse. I feel completely defeated as a parent.
My reasoning is that after years of arguing about parenting, endless therapy and couples counseling reassuring her that I’m not too strict, I have come to realize my spouse will not compromise nor change. The source of our fights are due to her publicly intervening whenever I’m in a discipline-oriented conversation with our son. Despite countless articles on parenting, therapy sessions, etc. specially saying such disagreements need to be done in private, she will not back down and will often dress me down in front of him. I do my best to bite my tongue, when she has done this. But too often I have failed after being berated and I push back.
This dynamic has resulted in our son “gaming” the disagreement to his advantage to avoid responsibilities, consequences, etc. Further, it has also resulted in our son occasionally parroting my spouse’s public criticisms of me. What truly concerns me is not so much the damage it causes my marriage (though that is really hard and heart-wrenching), it is knowing what this is doing to our son and his development as an adult. My view is that I would rather he learn lessons and consequences from us, where he is loved unconditionally and is safe regardless what he does — rather than from the world who will often be a cold, brutal teacher.
So, I ultimately gave in and walked away from the discipline and have left it up to her simply in the name of peace. The structure we have now have is such that I will advise her of things I am aware of with him and she will advise me of what she sees as well. But, she makes the parenting decision completely on her own and advising me of her decision. I do not have a “say” in that nor do I communicate any consequences to our son. This is not something she asked for. It’s something I offered voluntarily.
The results have been surprising and unsurprising.
Predicable, my son has taken full advantage of living in a lenient world. While a good egg, strong student, who we know loves us, it is very clear he has done things that are very hard to watch. In a nutshell, he does not try to be his best self. His grades have noticeably started to fall (something he once took immense pride in). He’s gotten more into drinking and has experimented with marijuana and vapping. He has been rather caviler in his sexual pursuits which has cost him losing the respect of the parents of other friends. I’m not trying to paint a picture that he is a train wreck. He isn’t. But the change has been quick and dramatic. Most concerning, any time he has received negative feedback from others (e.g., teachers, other parents, etc.) he quickly defects responsibility and states he’s the victim or that the other person is a (insert expletive).
What has been surprising is that while I thought this would result in my spouse being less critical of me, that has not happened. Ironically, I feel more under her microscope than before. While now that she isn’t able to critique my discipline of our son, it now has been refocused on conversations he and I have. My son and I could be debating something as benign as the “designated hitter” in baseball, and she will intervene if she believes the debate isn’t too her liking. And in every case, I’m in the wrong.
Yes, I am well aware there are some issues with my spouse. They are not extreme nor extraordinary. I have my issues, too. We all have some degree of damage from our past. I have found that parents that are “too much” of anything typically bring their own issues to the table and project it onto their child and/or marriage. Our therapist has discuss her projections with us very candidly.
That all said, the larger point is this: letting the lenient spouse have their way and the more strict one be neutered, does not make things better for the child in the long run. Rather, it is out-sourcing parenting — often to someone who does not care about your child. As a parent, one of our jobs is to prepare our children to be self sufficient adults in the world. And I can already easily see that if anything, it is creating an environment of arrested development. And it has not help the marriage much. In a nut shell, we can teach our children or someone else can. But one way or another, they will learn a lesson.
Just one person’s experience of doing the exact opposite of the advise above.
I am in the same position with you. I disagree many things that my wife. She gave a credit card to my daughter. My daughter didn’t tell me what she bought, even sometime she didn’t tell my wife. My daughter is very ‘nice’, she bought gifts to her friends, cousins, etc. A ridiculous thing was that she bought a game player which cost several hundreds to her cousin. But her cousin’s mother was not happy and throw it back to my daughter and told my wife it’s so stupid , her daughter doesn’t need that, she needs to study.
My wife always buy luxury things for my daughter, like Channel bags, Lv bags, when my daughter was very young. Now my daughter is already 23 years old, she will graduate this summer. But she doesn’t even want to find a job. Now we are all stay-at-home, she play switch games all day, all night.
There are many things they don’t need me to discuss, they just decide by themself. Because I disagree these , maybe my daughter thinks I don’t want to spend money for her. sometime I didn’t get respect. I don’t want to say more about that. I am so sad. I just bring paychecks home, I am tired.
You said, “I ultimately gave in and walked away from the discipline and have left it up to her simply in the name of peace. ” Me too.
I have a problem when I tell my children to do something or give them permission to do something. These can be the smallest things. My husband will then see our kids doing these things are attempting to do them and stop them and start to reprimand them for doing so. When I tell him that I am the one that told them to do it or gave permission to do he tells me I’m undermining him. We then have a discussion where I tell him it was my fault because I let them or told them to and he says that they will never listen to him because I defend them. I told him if it something that I didn’t specifically tell them to do then I have his back I just don’t want them getting in trouble for what I asked them to do. When he talks to them they try to interject to say why they were doing it and he shuts it down and doesn’t let then explain. It drives me nuts. He then will tell them later to do whatever truly want be side what he says doesn’t matter or to go ask me.
I suppose I am the lenient parent and my husband is the strict one. He also is less frequently around, and when he is home, he does not want to get involved in the day-to-day, discuss anything, get to know our daughter, or communicate in general, except to make announcements/edicts that he expects everyone to follow, blindly. Lately he refuses to discuss anything directly/alone with our daughter (now age 13) or with the 3 of us together. Instead he gets mad at me and tells me to make her do or not do something that he wants. Or he gets mad at me about something she is doing away from home and he blames me and expects me to stop or control her remotely (?!?). I feel stuck in the middle of them and that he wants me to be his puppet. I also know that (1) the minute I become the strict/enforcer parent he will suddenly be the soft one and cave in to our daughter’s request, as he has done before, where he flips roles and makes fun of me in the process, and (2) even if we all do what he specifically demands, he still will be mad about something else. It will never be enough so why bother to cooperate at all. Which just leads to a downward spiral of perhaps subconsciously “defying” him to push him away/out. I am not sure at this point how or if to try to save the relationship. I suggested counseling previously and he refused. What can a parent do if the other is not willing to compromise or communicate. And, even if we both become “strict” per this blog, how do we make the child conform.
Hi, I would really like your advice. My husband and I are separated and have started the divorce process, by which we have made property separation agreement with minor child. Although at the time, the agreement we made for our only child sounded and looked fair in paper, but proved to be not enough details on it. I am realizing that it is more frustrating and harder co-parenting when there’s separate households than when we were all under one roof. And trying to agree whats best for our child when its not on the written agreement is so stressful. Communicating to each other to be on the same parenting page did not come any easier when the other person ignores you. I have relaxed my rules under my household since it is questioned and fought againts by my 11-yr old daughter whenever she returns from her dad’s household, which doesnt have the same stricter expectations as mine. For example: her dad lets her watch age-inappropriate shows (R-rated, sarcastic dark humored show, thriller), allows late bedtime hours, little to no social activities at his place, no schoolwork habits, etc. She prefers to live with him, she said she hates me and when angry she says about killing herself and me, then she calms and quiet down after I called convincing her dad to talk to her on the phone at least.
Please help, what should I do, and how to raise my 11 yr old daughter to be confident, brave, smart, positive, and inspired when her father doesnt have the same values and expectations as mine?
My husband would rather move out than put his 4 year old son to bed at a decent time. We dont have the son all the time but I work weekdays I have to be up at 6:45 am and my husband does not care. I want up every hour because we live in a one bedroom apartment. I dont understand why my husband doesn’t respect me enough to put his child down at a decent hour so I can sleep for work.
I think there is some great advise, but what if the strict parent tends to be very negative and calls the kids idiots, retarded, and if the child talks back the parent yells for them to shut up. I don’t think this is strict it seems to cause the children to become more aggressive and not want to do any work, it seems inefficient and will cause children to shut down and not want to do anything.
What is your advise in this situation.
I am so distressed at this current situation, that of being the bad cop, her the soft touch, I really feel like walking away but can’t afford to. One day though, one day.
I am in the same situation. My partner was asked by board members to move out now im gonna be stuck with all the bills by myself while he s gonna have his own bills at his new place when he finds one
My bf and i have a 23 month old and a 3 month old. Unfortunately it looks like our relationship is coming to an end. We just cannot agree on parenting. This has caused so many issues, so much yelling and screaming, neighbors calling the cops etc. Not good. He can’t control himself and gets extremely loud to the point the cops showed up so many times that the board members of where we live have asked him to move out. Very shitty situation, def not good for the children.
Deborah- what counts as abusive?
Is screaming at the kids abuse? Grabbing the kids roughly? Picking a kid up and holding them against a wall? Kicking and throwing objects across a room in anger? Throwing out kids’ belongings as punishment? Name-calling? My husband does these things, which I think are unacceptable, but says we just have different parenting styles.
Hello,
So I read the article and most of the comments, but I nowhere found the solution regarding my situation.
So the thing is we have a 1.5 years old daughter , and I will admit that i have my own flaws then to point out my wife’s, so the issue which generally makes me more hyper at the time when our daughter does something is the reaction of my wife . Normally, she is the one who keeps on scolding our daughter over small things that don’t even matter ,like her asking for cell phone , or staying awake late at night ,bcz she doesn’t feel sleepy, and I never try to come in between ,when she scolds her during such times because I know she has to get up early in the morning for work but I do tell her whispering not to talk to our daughter with such angry voice and gaze. But whenever I scold over daughter , on the other hand , I only scold her when she starts being stubborn and won’t listen to us to sit down or stop being fussy, like in restaurant , where we are dinning out with my family side or Hers, and the moment I tell my daughter in angry tone to calm down or to just listen to me , my wife all goes out on me , making me sound like I have just done the worst, she will go on like , how could I speak to our daughter like this, that our daughter isn’t accustomed to get scolded in such angry voice ,that even hearing such tone, she gets scared, at that moment I look at her face and think I just told her to not misbehave in firm tone , when I have seen you going all angry gaze and angry tone ,like I will see you ,let daddy go once to work, and you say our daughter has gotten scared from my firm tone. I always feel like she does it deliberately infront of our family, to show that I am some kind of evil.
Any idea what I should do?
For instance once our daughter was hell bent on drinking Pepsi, and I am strictly against giving children such beverages, and my wife gave her soda for the frst time without even bothering that it’s bad for children and now when our daughter sees one and ask for it ,my wife firstly won’t give her, and when I try to give one sip to her , she will say that her throat will get infected ,when she is the one who got her daughter her frst soda .
What about when the strict parent is a step-parent, who also maintains that they *should not* be the parenting leader?
Lapsus – There so many ways to handle this as each blended situation is different. This was the situation with me as my 2nd hubby was the more strict step parent and I was the more lenient bio parent. I *chose* to support his needs and ideas privately so we could have a united front. I also protected him as the step parent by implementing (his) more strict ideas to keep him from having to be the bad guy or facing “You’re not my dad and I don’t have to listen to you” types of possibilities.