Ten Keys to Successful Parenting
Parenting is an important job and successful parenting is key. We need to discipline in a way that teaches responsibility. By motivating our children internally to build their self-esteem they feel loved. If our children are disciplined in this respect, they will not have a need to turn to gangs, drugs, or sex to feel powerful or belong.
The following are ten keys for successful parenting. These help parents use methods that are proven to provide children with a sense of well-being and security.
1 – Use Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)
Your child’s self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you spend with him-not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do. We do not put 100% focused attention on what our child says to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child’s attempts to communicate with us. If we don’t give our child GEMS throughout the day, he will often start to misbehave. Negative attention, in a child’s mind, is better than being ignored.
It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. So when your child says to you, “Mommy, you never spend time with me” (even though you just played with her) she is expressing what she feels. It is best at these times just to validate her feelings by saying, “Yeah, I bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together.”
2 – Use Action, Not Words for Successful Parenting
Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day! No wonder our children become “parent deaf!” Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, “What action could I take?” For example, if you nag your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then only wash socks that are unrolled. Action speaks louder than words.
3 – Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful
If you don’t, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to help them feel powerful and valuable are:
- to ask their advice
- give them choices
- let them help you balance your check book
- cook all our part of a meal
- help you shop
A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle. However, the result is they feel unimportant.
4 – Use Natural Consequences
Ask yourself. "What would happen if I didn’t interfere in this situation"? If we interfere when we don’t need to, we rob children of the chance to learn from the consequences of their actions. When we allow the consequences to do the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much. For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you don’t bring it to her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the importance of remembering.
5 – Use Logical Consequences
Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return his video and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for him and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.
6 – Withdraw from Conflict
If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, what would successful parenting look like? It is best if you leave the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if he wants to “Try again.” Do not leave in anger or defeat.
7 – Separate the Deed from the Doer
Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your child recognize that it isn’t that you don’t like him, but it is his behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no matter what he does. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love from him. When in doubt, ask yourself, "Did my discipline build my child’s self-esteem"?
8 – Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time
Suppose you tell your five-year-old child that if she isn’t dressed by the time the timer goes off, you will pick her up and take her to the car. You tell her she can either get dressed in the car or at school. Make sure that you are loving when you pick her up, yet firm by picking her up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in doubt, ask yourself, "Did I motivate through love or fear"?
9 – Parent with the End in Mind
Most of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under control as soon as possible. We look for the expedient solution. This often results in children who feel overpowered. But if we parent in a way that keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be more thoughtful in the way we parent. For example, if we spank our child, he will learn to use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows up.
10 – Be Consistent, Follow Through
If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy candy when she gets to the store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.
This document is produced by the International Network for Children and Families and the 350 instructors of the “Redirecting Children’s Behavior” course.
What wonderful advice. I really appreciate that you mentioned quality over quantity parenting. I think that’s a really important fact that many skip over. Thanks for the post!
Maybe the best indicator of a good parenting is when parents live by example. Thank you for this article. Thanks again.
This is one of the best guides I have ever come across.and it has answered almost all the tricky parenting questions that drive parents mad…I would definitely be sharing it with all my mommy friends that i come across having pretty much the same issues..I really loved your post…keep up the good work.
Wonderful advice for parents and teachers. Not sure about the safety of dressing in a car though!!
Really superb advice for parents Thanks for Sharing a valuable post…
Thanks for Sharing, Parenting is for life. when you are a parent, you never stop being. once you have a child, that child will grow, have children and the cycle continues.
it transforms from one stage to another; the phase when the child is physically in your womb, to when the child is more detached and does not need your physical presence that much. Parenting is a continual job, it is wisdom.
it is another phase when you become grandparents.
we have some ladies as prostitutes today because of fathers not mentoring their daughters.
children are to grow up in an atmosphere marital bliss. They are to enjoy from the overflow of the love that is between their parents.
Thanks for sharing such an amazing information, very helpful for parents
These are the awesome tips. Very helpful to become a successful parent. Thanks for Sharing. 🙂
10 instructions with 10 great examples has made this post a great one. By the examples we parents can understand what the author wants to convey. Thank you for sharing.
Helpful for every parent who wants to be the best mother/ father for his/her children. Thanks for sharing
Parenting is a never ending learning. Each time the baby cries, we go dull with many questions to console them. This post has amazing 10 tips to make parenting easier. Thanks a lot for sharing.
Must read article for every parents out there. I will share this article to my community. This post make parenting easier. Thanks a lot for sharing.keep doing good work
Great information thank you! I recently became a mum and I believe in positive parenting, these tips are very helpful
Hey Deborah, thanks for sharing these wonderful tips. Parenting is hard; so any and all tips on how to make this journey easy is always welcome. I do agree that logical consequences have greater merit over outright punishments. And this is something parents should work on.
I like that you mentioned how you exiting the room when your child is disrespecting you can help give them an opportunity to correct their mistakes. Whenever I tell my son to clean his room when my wife isn’t home he tends to yell at me, and I would like to find a way to respond to his misbehavior without resorting to yelling back. Perhaps I should seek parenting help in order to learn how to communicate with my child.
It caught my attention when you said that action speaks louder than words so you must ask yourself what action you should take instead of nagging or yelling. This is something that I will consider because I feel like my children’s connection with me is not that strong anymore. Maybe, they take offense whenever I try to correct their actions. I would assume speaking with a parent coach so I could be guided.