Help! My 7 year old starting to tell little lies. ...about everything! ?!! What Do I Do?
Kids lying to us...nothing can push a parents' buttons faster.
So I asked this parent, to give me some specifics:
"Well little things. ..did u change ur undies... yes...when he hadn't ...oh I forgot my homework left it at school by accident. ..then saying something that tells me he did it on purpose. . ..didn't break my pencil. ...pain in my belly trick. ...a suppose it's been coming gradually for a while but def getting worse! Obviously I talked to him loads about it..both calmly and less calmly! !"
And yet...even when we have trained our child that it's better to tell the truth than lie, they still lie! And the thing that parents hate most is when kids lie straight to our face, even when we know they are lying to us.
So the first thing I want you to know is that parents can unknowingly train their own child to lie! Of course we don't do this on purpose. But by not understanding how children's brains work, how they think, and how they speak and interpret their world, we often reinforce the lying. Several years ago, I recorded a short (4 minute) explanation in Pep Talk on Lying Part One . After the Mom I quoted above listened to it, she said this,
"That was really interesting! Thanks! We are definitely doing the wrong thing...I am now armed with the reasons not get upset! ! Wish me luck!"
So after you listen to the recording, and understanding what it is that you do that can teach your child to lie, then what? I have 4 guidelines to following when dealing with lying:
1) DON'T try to trick your child - I think this is manipulative, unfair, and is setting them up for failure. A child is simple, honest, and innately knows right from wrong. By tricking them, we role model (teach them) how to be manipulative.
2) DO set the child up for success - "It's time to change your undies" or "I see that you broke your pencil, what happened?" In each case that you notice you want to trick your child, think instead of a way you can state your request or comment without "putting the child on the spot". A child is going to protect herself at all cost, once she has learned to manipulate or lie. Think of it as "saving face". We all have an ego, and want to look good.
3) DON'T express your anger inappropriately - Getting upset, sarcastic, pleading, demanding, punishing and mean all have the potential effect of reinforcing the lying and causing future lying.
4) Do express compassion - By showing a compassionate response, you will have the greatest chance of bring forward your child's innate goodness and sense of right or wrong.
Listen here to my Pep Talk on Lying Part Two for an example of how I used this idea when my kids were younger, and also when an adult.
Happy Parenting!
Deb
