by Debbie Godfrey
Help with Setting Limits on Screen Time
Who needs help with setting limits on screen time? Nothing is worse than asking your child to come to dinner and being ignored. Why? Because he’s on the phone/iPad/computer. The child has what my dad called in the 60’s, “The glassy-eyed stupor”. It has existed since TV, became worse with the advent of video games like Atari and Play-Station, and is completely out of control today. Children are on screens way too many hours a day, 7-10 depending on the age of the child/teen and the study sampled. When kids get involved with games such as Fortnite, Halo and the like, that number can soar. Whether that number is 7 hours or 17, this is a horrifying number, in my opinion. TV, internet and some apps can be educational; Duolingo, DragonBox, Quick Maths, YouTube Kids, and Science360. What is your child's favorite? Unfortunately, most of what the children watch when left to their judgment is certainly not educational.
During the 20+ years I was raising my kids, and parents that take my class know, I didn't have television. That is, I had no cable with stations and such. I did have a TV hooked to a VCR and we had a library of videos and rented movies all the time. Setting limits on screen time was so easy back then.
We also played many board games as an alternative to screen time.
At one point, we bought a PlayStation and began to accumulate a wide variety of games that play on the computer, some educational, some not. I had many of the same fights over these forms of media that families today have with setting limits on screen time. Over the years I have come up with some strategies for handling the fighting and excessive use of screen time in it's various forms. Setting limits on video games became a struggle that I took seriously and had many successes and challenges.
Today, the number one challenge that comes up for the parents taking my parenting class is power struggles and setting limits with screen time!
There is an exception... I teach classes for parents at Waldorf Schools, and the parents and teachers, as a policy, discourage any screen time. (In these classes, the issue still comes up, but with less distress and much less frequently than other classes.) I recently found a simple tool to determine if your child is addicted to screens.
The problem is that kids ignore parents when they are using their phones, iPads or playing an online game.
They forget to eat, go to the bathroom, clean up after themselves, do their chores and play. Parents nag, kids ignore, and the battle rages everyday in this manner.
The key to taking back control of gaming in your home is to make agreements ahead of time before the screen ever goes on.
There should be a clear agreement that spells out the limits and rules about the use of the game. When a new "Spiro" game came out on PlayStation, my kids would fight for days (if no agreements were made) over who would to play. The rule is that they must make a schedule before they turn it on. They have to agree who plays, for how long and even write down exactly what time each will play. They all have to sign it, as if it's a contract. Here's what it might look like:
Who gets to be on Play Station:
Michelle 3:30-4:00
Briana 4:00-4:30
Michael 4:30-5:00
X_______________X______________X_______________
The first agreement is that they must do this before they turn on the screen.
The second agreement is that they make a detailed schedule of who is on and when. The agreement must be hung up on the refrigerator. That way, if I think one kid is over the limit, or if there is a fight over whose turn it is, I can simply refer to the schedule. If they do not adhere to their agreement, than the game is off for the day. I found this routine to be a great way to keep myself out of the battles and for the kids to work out their issues with each other. Contracts are perhaps the best tool for. setting limits on screen time.
With television, you can set limits in a similar manner. Sit down with the family on Sunday. Make a chart with the programs that each child wants to watch during the week. Make sure to have the TV off at all other times. One mom I know also includes a "NO TV" night every week.
It is also helpful to make an agreement about what needs to happen before turning on the TV or video game.
For example, my son likes to get up early and play. The agreement is that he has to be fully ready for school before he turns on the computer. It is spelled out in the agreement that he needs to get dressed, eat breakfast, brush his teeth and make his lunch. After just a few weeks of following through with the consequences, he learned to get everything finished before turning on the games.
The most important factor for the agreement to work is consistent follow through. Make sure that you stay involved with the kids, both in the agreement-making phase and while they are playing. Make sure that they adhere to the schedule. Follow through with the consequences with a kind and firm attitude. "It's a bummer that you need to turn the Screen off for the rest of the day". Don't give in to their pleading or promises.
Giving in is what undermines our parental authority and parental control.
The children come to believe that if they make promises to behave better, then we will give in. They typically forget in a rather short period of time and we become exhausted and angry that they are not keeping their end of the bargain. However, if we have agreed that the screen will go off if the agreement is not kept, and then we give in to a "bargain" we are showing our children that bargains do not necessarily have to be kept. This is why the battle goes on and on.
During the training period of implementing a new agreement (usually 2-4 weeks) it is very important to maintain complete consistency and follow-through. Being flexible should not be an option during the training phase of the agreement. Flexibility is crucial in parenting, and there is a time and place for it. The time for flexibility is not while helping children learn a new routine. Once a new routine is established, then you can become more flexible if you think that is appropriate. My experience has led me to believe that too much flexibility with routines leads to misbehaving kids. It's better to maintain consistency with agreements and be flexible with issues that come up "in the moment".
With some work and effort initially, making agreements with the kids and creating a plan for follow-through, you can avoid so many of the headaches you face on a daily basis, fighting over the excessive screen time.
