Parenting with Finesse
by Deborah Godfrey
As I mulled over recent parenting events with my children, I realize that much of my parenting now is very subtle, yet interactive with my children. The word "finesse" came to my mind. I looked it up in the dictionary and it says, "subtlety of contrivance to gain a point". After looking up the words in that sentence, I took finesse to mean a kind of artful planning to "gain a point" (maintain my parental authority).
Interestingly, there is another definition for finesse in regards to the game of bridge, it says, "the attempt to take a trick with a low card while holding a higher card". This certainly applies to my parenting! Last year, my teenager announced that she was considering piercing her eyebrow and her best friend her belly button. Inside I panicked, but with great parental finesse said, "Really? That seems scary, I bet that would hurt! Tell me more." She explained about their intention and then I said I would help her research it on the internet (hoping that would scare her out of it.) After looking at a few sites and reading up on it, she was still not swayed!
I then followed one of our tips for handling power struggles with teens-- I asked her to wait 30 days at which point we could discuss it again. I then began to pray for what to do. I knew that I could play my "high" card and just say "no". She is still young enough at this point that she would have obeyed me. I don't like to use that card however, because in a few years, it may not work. I would rather utilize the opportunity to make our relationship better and lead her to making the best choice for her. That is a skill she needs for the rest of her life. I just kept praying and trying to keep an open mind, yet deciding to play my "high card" if no other ideas came to me. About three weeks later, she announced that she and her friend had changed their minds! After phoning several piercing establishments, they were informed by 2 of the 3 that they would not pierce ones so young. Because the girls were still growing, the piercing would become distorted. That was what changed their minds! Remember that prayer is a parenting tool that works!
My "high card" is my ultimate authority as the parent. I am bigger and more powerful than they are and it's my house! However, using that high card tends to create resentment in our relationship and will only work so long as the kids are young, smaller and afraid of running away. I use this high card very sparingly, preferring instead, the lower cards, such as listening, negotiating, and all the other great tools from the "Redirecting" class.
Parenting with finesse is something we acquire over time and with dedication to parenting with a purpose. Do you have it yet? Read 5 Ways To Parent with Finesse and see!
