Create Cooperation

As I was looking for a blog to help parents create cooperation, I found this gem in the archives. During the pandemic, and with kids at home, it's been a challenge.  Please enjoy it, it was a found memory for me as well.  This question was taken from a post at the Positive Parenting Bulletin Board many years ago.

Question:

Hi. I very much need help. My daughter is 2 and a half-year-old. I am losing it where she is concerned. We try to raise her well. She is bright and intelligent. But she has become so incredibly rude and insolent that I sometimes find myself wanting to slap her. She will NOT listen. Her behavior is obnoxious, she has rotten temper tantrums and whines from morning till night. She tells me to shut up if I dare tell HER anything.

Before you tell me "she's two, it's normal", and that we must be lousy parents, let me assure you. We have never abused her, we taught her to be polite and respectful, etc. She does go to daycare, and maybe she learns this there, I don't know. All I know is it's gotten to the point where I am afraid to spend time alone with her; she is so out of control. Please help!

Answer:

I'm sure it is terrible to feel afraid to be alone with your daughter because of her behavior. However, I suggest you shift from this fear to anticipation of creating results. It's not too healthy for you OR her to be like this in your relationship. At this point, you sound very hurt by her behavior, all you've done is nurtured and cared for her and this is what you get! This often happens with such bright children. Believe me, she is NOT out to GET you! She may be searching-- searching for boundaries and limits and you can stay calm and give them to her. She should lessen these behaviors as she begins to understand the limits. So, some suggestions:

1) Reading the article on power struggles here.

As she begins to feel powerful appropriately, she will not have such a need to get power inappropriately.

2) Make it a point to respond to her behavior, rather than react to it.

When she misbehaves, decide that you are going to create cooperation.  Handle it calmly and rationally and decide you are capable of doing this. You are! Think of it like this-- you have something your daughter desperately needs, and her behavior is designed to get it from you. It is a gift you have to give her, a gift ONLY you can give her. It is something you ARE going to give her and will be a learning she will take with her all her life. Maybe you don't know what it is, but your job is too never give up. My middle child was very similar when she was your daughter's age. Our relationship changed for the better when I found out what she was looking for from me. I was always battling with her, always frustrated, always felt inadequate at dealing with her. When she was 3, in exasperation, I asked her, "Michelle, why did you choose me to be your mom?" she said simply, "To have fun". I can't tell you how this had changed our relationship. I noticed when I made things fun and a game, a mystery, a puzzle, she would learn and cooperate and we would be close! When I'd operate from my stuffy adult mode, we'd battle. So, the thing you're discovering is not the same as mine, but there probably is SOMETHING that will help.

3) Make plans ahead of time for dealing with repeated misbehaviors you would like to change.

Make these tiny steps. Instead of using, "Get her to stop saying shut up all the time to me", write down, "She listens when I ask her to______." And take it one task at a time. This will help the whole situation seem less overwhelming. Often a little progress causes the "big misbehaviors" to disappear.

4) Start family meetings and allow her turn to be leader.

Create routine and family time that is sacred through family meetings. When she realizes she is part of a team (family) that works together and her creative ideas can and will be implemented, she may find herself busier with looking for ways to spend "fun" family time together instead of "running the show".

5) Write down 3 things you love about her.

Every time you need to discipline her, or when she talks back, read those 3 things to yourself first, and then handle the situation. This will help you be in the most effective frame of mind for parenting firmly AND kindly, a combination that creates magical results with our kids. Good Luck! Deb

This ideas to create cooperation are from the Positive Parenting online recorded class.