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"I'm calling
Your Mother!" Boundary-Setting with Your Child's Teachers
- by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Have you ever gotten
a call from your child's teacher that threw you into a real tailspin? Are
you tempted to rescue your child from the consequences he creates? Do you
try to control the choices he makes? Do you sometimes wonder if you're
getting too involved?
Your children's
school is second to your family in its influence in your children's
lives, if only by virtue of the amount of time they spend there. Obviously,
a successful school experience is more likely for children when
relationships between the home and the school are positive, cooperative,
and supportive. Therefore, parental involvement is crucial.
And yet, the school
provides excellent opportunities for children to grow and develop outside
your direct influence. So, how can you balance the need to be involved in
your children's school lives with the need to allow your children to
develop independence and responsibility in their relationships outside
the family?
I first encountered
these issues as an educator: Several years ago, when I was new to
teaching, I had a problem with a student in one of my classes. Billy
rarely participated in discussions or completed seatwork he was assigned.
When all my pleading, nagging, threatening, and punishing failed to get
him to work, I pulled out the big guns: "That's it! I'm calling your
mother!"
I explained the
problem to Mrs. Warwick and she thanked me for calling. I told her that
none of my methods were working and asked her to help. Mrs. Warwick was
interested in Billy's misbehavior and understanding of my own
frustration, but insisted that Billy learn to be accountable for his
responsibilities at school. She suggested that it was therefore necessary
for Billy and me to work it out together. "He's your student,"
she said, and politely ended the conversation.
Had you asked me, at
the time, I'm sure I would have explained my purpose in contacting Mrs.
Warwick as something along the lines of "bridging the home-school
communications gap" or "alerting the parent to a potential
concern." So, how could I account for the indignation I felt at Mrs.
Warwick's response? After all, it's the parent's responsibility to make
Billy perform and behave well at school, right? Wrong!
Part of a child's
education is facing the consequences of his behaviors. While the parent
may be responsible for establishing and maintaining limits at home, if
the behaviors occur at school, then it's the school's responsibility to
enforce its own consequences. In truth, I was trying to get Mrs. Warwick
to assume responsibility for my problem. My annoyance came from her
refusal to do so.
Sure, I'd had other
parents, in similar situations; assure me that "it will never happen
again!" And at the time I was relieved that they were willing to
"fix" my problem and punish their children for something they
had never actually witnessed. I didn't realize that I was relying on the
fact that the parents would often react out of their own shame, taking it
out on the kids for "making them look bad." Somehow, it all
seemed to be within the bounds of my role as an educator, and my
perceived sense of their roles as the parents of my students.
It's no wonder so
many parents cringe when they get a note or a call from the school.
Increasingly I'm finding teachers who communicate with parents when
things are going great, sending home "good notes" and progress
reports with a positive orientation. But what about when there is a
problem?
Some teachers are
skilled at informing parents of problems in non-threatening, non-blaming
ways. But what if your child's teacher sees his own success tied to his
students' behaviors and performance? What if he sees you as an ally in
his efforts to "get" the child when the child messes up? How do
you set limits in your relationship with the adults who figure so
prominently in your child's school life?
There is a fine line
between boundary-setting and apparent indifference. My black-and-white
thinking led me to arrogantly assume that Mrs. Warwick simply didn't
care. Of course she cared. She also wanted to know how-and what-Billy was
doing in school.
But involvement
doesn't mean enmeshment, and from this parent I learned that it is
possible, practical, and healthy for parents to be involved and still be separate.
In fact, the idea of "separateness" is probably the single most
important issue-and tool-in dealing with conflicts between your child and
the school.
Most of us wrestle
with discovering where we end and where other people in our lives begin.
Seeing oneself as separate is a challenge for anyone, and especially so
for parents. Yet, the ability to be separate-and allow your child to be
separate-is what allows you to support your child, to help her learn
responsibility and problem solving, and to accept her unconditionally,
regardless of what's going on at school.
A good sense of
"your separate self" will also allow you to overcome old
people-pleasing issues that come up when the school calls. For enmeshed
parents, the image of the "good parent" collapses with a call
about a problem: the child's failure becomes the parent's failure. With
the contact comes feelings of shame and frustration that can trigger a
strong reaction, often in the hopes of reinstating the image of parental
control and competence.
Remember, you can
still be a great parent even if your child has a problem. You can even be
a great parent when the school says your child is a problem. In fact, you
can be a great parent even if you don't react in a way that you imagine
the school wants you to react! You can determine your role in the
conflicts that arise between your child and his teachers. This means
setting clear, consistent boundaries with the school. Good boundaries
allow you to adopt the role of listener, observer, and even mediator,
without having to defend the child or punish him, without having to make
anyone wrong, and without ending up in the middle of something that, in
reality, belongs to someone else.
Here's an example:
Let's say the school calls to tell you that your daughter cut class. You
did not see her cut and the only evidence of this behavior is the phone
call from the school. What is your role in this situation?
Let's say you
confront your child and she admits to having cut class. Is it your job to
punish her for this infraction? Wouldn't that be doing the school's job?
This really isn't between you and your child-it's between her and the
school (and, boy, will it take a good sense of separateness to avoid
falling into the middle of this one!).
In your dealings with
the school, you may ask them to clarify the consequences of cutting
class. If the consequence is a phone call home, they've done their job
and, by listening, you've done yours. If their call is somehow loaded
with the expectations that you "do something" about the
problem, you still don't need to assume responsibility for the problem or
do anything to hurt the child.
In fact, unless
you've set your own consequences for cutting class ahead of time, you
don't have to do anything at all!
Except, perhaps, to
let go. To love and accept your child, even though you do not love and
accept her class-cutting behavior. (Perhaps it's time to set some
consequences now for future infractions.) And, if the school does have
consequences, to allow those consequences to take place, even though you
may hate to see your child sit in detention, lose grade points, or miss
the game on Saturday. (The fairness of the consequence, unless it's
overtly abusive, is not the issue-the fact of the consequence is.)
You can also help
your child by asking her if she's willing to continue to risk the
consequences (the school's or your own) by repeating the misbehavior. If
yes, there may be little you can do except, perhaps, develop other
motivators for not cutting that are more meaningful than the ones that
already exist. If no, you can ask her to plan what she might do the next
time she's tempted to cut class, or to decide what she wants from school
and how she’s most likely to get it.
If your child swears
up and down that she never cut school in her life, you can still avoid
getting in the middle and having to choose between her and the school by
focusing on the issue at hand: "You're being accused of cutting. How
can you prove that you were on campus?" And allow the child to solve
the problem or deal with the consequences.
Regardless of the
type of problem, when someone from the school calls, you can always
respond by asking for additional information: What are the rules in this
situation? What are the consequences for what he's doing? Was he informed
of the rules and consequences ahead of time? What are his options now?
You can leave the
problem in your child's lap and help guide him through its solution by
asking him similar questions, as well as asking for a plan for "next
time." If his stock answer is "I don't know," you can ask
him how he can find out. Or, you can make yourself available to talk
further when he decides. Remember, children learn far more from actually
experiencing consequences than they do from warnings, lectures, and advice.
If the school calls
because your child isn't doing something, you might suggest motivators
that work for you or those you see as meaningful to him. If the school is
calling for ideas, they'll see your response as helpful; if they're
calling to ask you to motivate him, your response will set a boundary and
gently place the responsibility back with the school.
You can support the
limits, motivators, and consequences that the school provides by setting
your own for your child's behavior. Even if the school has no consequences
for particular school-related behaviors that are important to you, you
might offer special privileges in connection with completing homework
assignments, maintaining certain grades, or bringing in positive comments
on progress or conduct reports, for example.
Of course, to support
the goals of the school, it's helpful to find out what they are. In some
cases, the school-or certain teachers-may contact you with a newsletter
or note about their limits, rules, rewards, and so on. If you have any questions,
ask.
Also, ask your
children. Questions about individual teacher's rules, preferences, and
pet peeves are great dinner-time conversation starters and can help you
guide even young children through related questions, such as: What do you
need to do to succeed in this class? When do you think you'll need to use
extra self-control? What sort of things do you have choices about? What
do you want to get from this class? What are you willing to do in
exchange?
It'll always be easy
to have expectations, about how the schools-or your children-should act.
Yet reality rarely reflects "shoulds," wishful thinking, or
unexpressed boundaries or expectations. And conflicts that inevitably
arise between your children and their teachers will certainly tempt you
to judge, advise, solve, defend, restrict, or even deny. Keep in mind
that these behaviors can ultimately interfere with the goal of teaching
your children to be self-caring, independent problem solvers.
Hang in there, even
as you let go. For the more you are able to be there to support and guide
your children without rescuing them or doing their problem-solving for
them, the better able they will be to ultimately handle life responsibly
when there isn't another adult around to support and guide them.
Hints for handling
conflict with your child's teachers:
· Build your relationship with the
educators in your child's life during a non-conflict time. Don't wait for
a problem to arise. If possible, visit the school early in the year to
meet with your child's teacher and administrators (principal, vice
principal, dean of students, etc.).
· In your initial contacts, ask
about their goals and expectations, rules and limits. Find out how often,
and under what circumstances, you can expect to hear from them.
· Make sure the school has
information about your schedule and availability. If it's not OK to call
you at work except for emergencies or if you prefer a particular time for
phone conferences, let them know.
· Focus on the positive. When you're
so moved, send the school "good notes" that comment on the time
someone has taken with your child, the excitement she's inspired, her
patience or planning, or even the bulletin boards! Teachers-and
administrators-receive precious little recognition as it is. Letting them
know when you appreciate something they've done will go a long way.
· Avoid speaking for your child,
even if he's very young. Contribute your observations, needs, or personal
experiences, and encourage your child to express his own.
· Avoid defending or making excuses
for your child, as well as the overwhelming temptation you might have to
rescue him from the consequences of poor choices he makes.
· Avoid automatically taking the
teacher's side. Do your best to stay out of the middle.
· Listen.
· Know that your child will continue
to meet and have to deal with different individuals throughout her life.
You can help her develop the flexibility to succeed in a variety of
relationship settings by asking questions like, "What does this
particular teacher expect from the students?" or "What do you
need to do to take care of yourself in this class?" If a teacher
calls to discuss a problem, ask for specifics: "What is he
doing?" "When did this start?" "How often does this
happen?" "What are your consequences for this type of
behavior?" If necessary, ask the teacher to refrain from making
judgments about the worth of your child, and stick to the specifics of
his behavior.
· When a teacher calls to tell you
about a problem, you might ask, "What would you like from me?"
Be prepared to let him know what you are and aren't willing to do in any
given situation. It's not unreasonable to expect the school to have its
own consequences for the rules it establishes. And it's OK to refuse to
punish a child for an infraction you did not witness-or to refuse to even
"talk to him" with the intention of getting him to change-even
though you can be supportive and understanding of all parties involved.
· Avoid becoming defensive or, if
possible, feeling the need to prove your competence as a parent. Likewise
avoid allowing an educator-or the feelings that you experience in a
school contact-to shame you into hurting your child. If a teacher becomes
angry or abusive with you, it's appropriate-as it is in any
relationship-to break off the exchange until cooler heads prevail. Let
the teacher know when, or under what conditions, you'll be willing to
resume the discussion. If necessary, request an intermediary or bring one
of your own.
· Be aware that chronic misbehavior
may indicate hidden problems-either at home or at school. Consider
counseling and/or testing when necessary (but keep your focus on
solutions, not blame.)
· Keep track of contacts with the
school-positive and negative. In meetings with teachers and
administrators, it may be a good idea to take notes to keep track of what
was discussed and planned. This information can really be helpful in
following up progress in future meetings.
· Ask for feedback from the teacher
and be reasonable in your requests. Teachers have more than enough to do
(and anywhere from 20 to 200 other students to deal with). While most
will be happy (or at least willing) to let you know how your child is
progressing, please don't pressure the teacher for anything that takes
more than a few seconds. Avoid approaching a teacher reactively. Keep the
focus on how you can all get what you want. Attack the problem-not the
person!
· Respect teacher's boundaries by
not asking them to punish or withhold privileges from your children for
infractions that occurred at home. Just as you refuse to allow teachers
to make you responsible for solving problems they are having with your
children, avoid involving the school when your kids neglect their chores,
wet the bed, or break curfew. (Although this may sound ridiculous to some
parents, these are actual examples teachers have reported.)
· Handle problems your child brings
home to you in much the same way: Listen, validate and appreciate his
feelings, help him explore options, and ask him what he plans to do to
solve the problem.
· Above all, let your children
know-absolutely and unconditionally-that they are loved and worthwhile,
no matter what.
A dynamic and
entertaining speaker, Dr.
Bluestein has worked with thousands of educators, counselors,
administrators, health-care providers, criminal justice personnel and
parents. Her down-to earth speaking style, practicality, sense of humor,
and numerous examples make her ideas clear and accessible to her
audiences.
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