How is Your Parenting Authority?
By Deborah Godfrey
Parental authority is probably the most important yet least understood quality for effective parenting. Many parents attempt to increase their parental authority with tools that actually result in undermining their authority. Below are listed some observations of the ways in which great parents hurt and help their parental authority.
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Inconsistency - The general rule is that the children can't sleep in your bed. One or two nights a week though, you let them crawl in bed with you. Then you wonder why they wantto sleep with you every night. You also wonder why you have to fight with them to sleep in their own bed.
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Trustworthiness - Make sure that you are consistent with rules. If you want to have your parental authority respected, then the kids need to trust in the way you operate. If they have learned that you change your mind when they whine long enough, then they will whine long enough and then some until you give in. If they have come to trust you when you say "yes" or "no", they will respect your authority more willingly.
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Lecturing - Using too many words with children can undermine your authority. For example, "How many times have I told you to pick up your mess in the living room? Don't you know how busy I am, I'm not your slave"! It doesn't end here. Typically, we as parents, in our concern, lecture and remind on a daily basis on this issue, without seeing the child change his behavior.
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Conciseness - State what you want the child to do and what the outcome will be. Choose your words intentionally and specifically so that each word is clear and has meaning. For example, "When the living room is picked up, you can go outside and play". If the child tries to engage you in a negotiation, repeat your sentence EXACTLY as before, in the same tone and with the same words (this is called the broken record routine).
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Hypocrisy - This can undermine parental authority more than anything else can. Telling our children to keep their rooms clean and yet keeping our room a disaster, is hypocrisy and the kids love to point out it out!
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Integrity - The manner in which we live our life can impact our parental authority in a positive way if we live with integrity. If we expect our children to be kind, they should see us showing kindness to others. If we expect them to be charitable, we need to model giving to others. Children come to respect us, not because we tell them to, but because we live our lives in a manner that has the result of a child feeling respectful towards us.
Recognition of these qualities is 90% of the effort it takes to change them (if you need to) or remember to use them when applicable. When your parental authority is strong, you will have much greater influence on your child's behavior.
