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By Deborah Fox
“Dad, where’s my backpack?”
“Mom! I forgot my lunch! You have to bring it
now!”
“Where’d you put my sweatshirt?”
Do any of these
statements sound vaguely familiar?
At Positive Parenting, we have a saying:
“A child who always forgets has a parent who always
remembers!”
Many of the complaints I
hear from parents have to do with children’s irresponsible and forgetful
behavior. It usually begins early,
around 4 or 5 years old, and peaks when a child hits junior high. What happened between us happily
picking up our screaming toddler’s bottle that rolled under the couch and
giving it to her and the pre-teen screaming at us that she can’t find her
favorite jeans and us snapping at her that if she didn’t keep her room
such a mess, then maybe she could find the clothes she wants?
First, parents often
don’t realize how much young children can do. Many toddlers are very capable of
understanding our words and body language, even when they cannot
communicate that verbally. So in
the example above, when a child is distressed, we often “rescue” the child.
This is a natural, normal response!
The “saving” of a small child from their distresses is the way in
which bonding occurs between parents and children. When a child cries because he is
hungry, we “save” him by feeding him.
When a child cries because she is wet, we “save” her when we
change her diaper. This mechanism
occurs instinctively under normal circumstances, and bonding between
parent and child is established.
The problem occurs when we “save” a child from an activity that
she is capable of completing herself.
So when her bottle rolls under the couch, you do not need to
“save” her from starving right now.
Now is the time to help her problem solve. You could play a game, “Where do you
think your bottle went?” And start
looking under things and behind things and help her to find the
bottle. This way, she begins to
learn self-sufficiency with your loving guidance.
Think of something that you are doing for your
child that she could be doing for herself. Give this to your child as a
new responsibility. In this way,
you build her self-esteem and are teaching self-reliance.
The next complication
occurs around the time that children start school. They forget their lunch, homework,
sweaters, backpacks, library books…and on and on! They forget, and we nag, yell,
complain, threaten and punish.
Nothing seems to work! Here
are 3 rules to teach children responsibility:
·
Stop
remembering for them
·
Don’t say “I
told you so!”
·
Don’t tell
them what will happen, let the consequences do the talking for you
So the first thing
parents need to do is stop reminding!
When parents remind children, they rely on the reminders and
become incapable of remembering for themselves. We parents cannot understand why they
don’t remember since we tell them over and over! But it’s the telling them over and over
that creates the irresponsibility!
The second thing we need to do is STOP saying “I told you so!” or
“See what happens when you forget?”
In this case the child is focused on how mean we are or how stupid
they are, and not on learning to be responsible. And finally, stop telling them how the
world works, let the world and the natural consequences in it teach your
child. When you tell them, then
they will focus on you as the teacher and not learn from the way the
world works. What I love most
about this parental response is that I can make myself be the safe haven
when that big bad world is teaching my children. For example, when Michael, my son,
would forget his lunch, I would have a sandwich and food ready when he
got home. “Wow, you must be
starving! Here, have a
sandwich!” If he tried to blame
me, saying “Why didn’t you bring me my lunch!” I would just say, “You
must have been really hungry from forgetting your lunch, you need another
snack?” And he would see it was his responsibility and not mine, and I
was actually soothing him.
Finally, over time you
can help your children be more responsible by teaching them how to
think. When you tell them what to
do, they don’t learn. When you ask
questions, in a loving way, they learn to use their brains.
When you find yourself telling your child to do
something, phrase it in a question instead.
For example, instead of
saying, “It’s time for school”, say “What time do you need to leave in
order to be on time?”
Instead of saying,
“Remember to turn in your library book” say “How are you going to remind
yourself to turn your library book in on time?”
Instead of saying, “Do
your homework” say “How much time to you need to do homework this
evening?”
More than anything else,
this style of communicating will create kids that learn to remember, be
responsible and accountable for their actions. You have so much to do
with how your children learn to think, how they react and how they
communicate. By asking questions,
you become a master teacher of the very communication you want your
children to learn to be successful in school and their lives.
Deborah has been teaching parenting classes for over 16 years. Her kids are 23, 19 & 17and
wonderfully self-sufficient! A great
book on this topic in the Positive
Parenting Bookstore, Raising
Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World and The
10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children.
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