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The Positive Parenting
Newsletter
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Ideas
& Inspiration for Parents - Fall 1999 - Volume 2.8
In this issue:
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Feature Article: Question and Answer
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Parenting Question
and Answer
by Deborah Critzer
The following was taken
from a post at the Positive Parenting Bulletin Board located at
ParentsPlace.com.
Question:
My son, I just love
him so much, I think he should consider an acting career. I am trying to
find ways for him to calm down after he gets hurt. Tonight he stepped on
a splinter and I had to pull it out. I realize that it probably did hurt
badly. I don't mind if he cries, yells, whatever. But he just seems to
enter into some kind of crazy hysterics whenever something like this
happens! A lot of times he gets unreasonable, totally out of control. I
try soothing talk, acknowledging his pain, and sympathizing. Maybe I go
overboard? I try to get him to take deep breaths but he just cries
"I can't I can't!" Do you think it'd work better if he
practiced this just during a *normal* time? What can I do to help him
stay calm, or help him calm down when he is hurting?
Answer:
In terms of parental
response to kids in general, there are basically 3 approaches:
- Parent as drill sergeant
(too strict)
- Parent as rescue pilot
(too permissive)
- Parent as consultant
(balanced)
The drill sergeant
parent will look at a (not seriously) hurt child and respond with,
"It's not that bad, Don't cry, Don't be a baby, just take care of
it, big boys don't cry, suck it up", etc. This parent will not be
physically or emotionally available to the child. The child will
typically misinterpret this parental response with ideas such as, "I
need to hide my feelings" or "My parent doesn't care" or
"When I'm hurt I need to keep it to myself, or not seek help"
or possibly "If I get louder and more obnoxious, maybe they'll see
me". When parents respond to with this style over time, children
develop mistaken beliefs like, "I can't show my feelings",
"I have to take care of myself, do it alone", "There's no
one there for me but me" etc. As adults, these are the people who
don't seek out a doctor until they're half-dead, or hide their feelings
from people, or have an attitude that "I have to look out for #1
(me) because no one else will".
The parent as rescue
pilot responds dramatically, "Oh my God! Let me see! Oh, you poor
baby! Mommy will make it all better! Here let me kiss it for you and make
it all better, You want some ice cream? Shhh. it's OK, it won't hurt
anymore!" Typically, kids eat-up this response. They respond with
even more drama, loving every minute of all this love and attention. Kids
who weren't even hurt that bad become sobbing, helpless and needy,
basking in all your love and attention. These children develop beliefs
such as "It pays to get hurt, I can get lots of love and attention
this way", "Even if it's not that bad, if I play it up I might
get a treat", "When I get hurt, someone else will make it
better for me" or "I don't know how to take care of myself,
other people are there for that". As adults these people tend to be
accident prone, needy and hypochondriacs.
The parent as
consultant brings a balanced response to the situation, "OW! That
looks like it hurts!" wait for the child's response, they will tell
you the degree of hurt involved, either, "Aw, it's not that
bad" or "Yeah! It really stings!" Either way, they feel
you care. Then the consultant says, "What do you think I would do if
I fell down and scraped up my knee like that?" or "What do you
think you need to do to fix it or make it feel better?" the child
typically looks upward, searching their brain, THINKING! Thinking is a
good thing for kids to do, and as consultants, we teach them how to think
out solutions. If they are really hurt bad, we might need to make
suggestions, if not you can follow their lead and make sure they remember
all that needs to be done. If she says, "Put a Band-Aid on it?"
you can say, "Yes great! And it looks like there is some dirt, what
else do you need?" she says, "A towel to wash it off?" you
say, "Great idea! And what can you put on it so it doesn't get
infected?" she says, "Spray that stuff on it?" you say,
"Great! How about if I go get the stuff and help you fix it
up?" This child comes to believe things like, "When I get hurt,
people care about my feelings" and "When I get hurt, I can
figure out what needs to be done", "I am loved and capable of
taking care of myself", feeling loveable AND capable is one essence
of self-esteem.
Good Luck! Deb
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Special Feature: Brownies Make The
Difference
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Brownies Make the
Difference
Many parents are hard
pressed to explain to their youth why some music, movies, books, and
magazines are not acceptable material for them to bring into the home or to
listen to or see.
One parent came up
with an original idea that is hard to refute. The father listened to all
the reasons his children gave for wanting to see a particular PG-13
movie. It had their favorite actors. Everyone else was seeing it. Even
church members said it was great. It was only rated PG-13 because of the
suggestion of sex--they never really showed it. The language was pretty
good--the Lord's name was only used in vain three times in the whole
movie.
The teens did admit
there was a scene where a building and a bunch of people were blown up,
but the violence was just the normal stuff. It wasn't too bad. And, even
if there were a few minor things, the special effects were fabulous and
the plot was action packed. However, even with all the justifications the
teens made for the PG-13 rating, the father still wouldn't give in. He
didn't even give his children a satisfactory explanation for saying,
"No." He just said, "No!"
A little later on
that evening the father asked his teens if they would like some brownies
he had baked. He explained that he'd taken the family's favorite recipe
and added a little something new. The children asked what it was.
The father calmly
replied that he had added dog poop. However, he quickly assured them, it
was only a little bit. All other ingredients were gourmet quality and he
had taken great care to bake the brownies at the precise temperature for
the exact time. He was sure the brownies would be superb.
Even with their
father's promise that the brownies were of almost perfect quality, the
teens would not take any. The father acted surprised. After all, it was
only one small part that was causing them to be so stubborn. He was
certain they would hardly notice it. Still the teens held firm and would
not try the brownies.
The father then told
his children how the movie they wanted to see was just like the brownies.
The movie industry would have you believe that just a little bit of evil
does not matter. But, the truth is even a little bit of poop makes the
difference between a great treat and something disgusting and totally
unacceptable. The father went on to explain that even though the movie
industry would have us believe that most of today's movies are acceptable
fare for adults and youth, they are not.
Now, when this
father's children want to see something that is of questionable material,
the father merely asks them if they would like some of his special dog
poop brownies. That closes the subject.
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Special Feature: The Language of
Encouragement
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The Language of
Encouragement
By Bernadette Rosanski
Although there are
times when praise can be encouraging, parents will be most effective if
they avoid praising children too often. "Encouragement" helps
our children believe in themselves. This is known as "internal
gratification." "Praise" such as good, great, better,
best, and excellent condition children to look for "external
gratification." Praise keeps your child dependent on the authority
figure to feel good about himself. On the other hand, encouragement
allows your child to focus on how she feels from the inside out. For
example: phrases like, "It looks like you enjoyed drawing that
picture," rather than "You're a good boy" gives the child
responsibility for his happiness rather than looking for someone or
something to bring him happiness. Children realize that it is their
challenge to do things to make themselves happy. Adults who did not learn
this lesson in childhood often disturb relationships later because they
expect others to make them happy. Praise can be a disguise for expressing
our personal values and opinions. Praise focuses on the person where
encouragement focuses on the effort! Through encouragement we are
teaching children to look inside themselves for their motivation, for the
answers to their questions, and for knowing their purpose and direction.
Encouragement has it's own language. Here are some examples of phrases
that express encouragement:
- "You seem to like
that"
- "How do you feel
about it"
- "I need your help
on..."
- "What do you
think?"
- "Thanks, that helped
me a lot"
- "You can do it"
- "You're getting
better at..."
- "I like the way
you..."
- "You really worked
hard on that"
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Special Feature: Possible Annoying Normal Behaviors
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Possible Annoying Normal Behaviors
5 Years Old
- Tends to be brash,
combative, indecisive, over demanding and explosive.
- Becomes more challenging
in his rebellion. "Try and make me!" is a typical stance.
- Once an emotional
outburst has started, he may have a hard time stopping it.
- Has difficulty grasping a
pencil and may change grasps frequently.
- Swears and cusses
- Talks too much
- Has difficulty admitting
he has done anything wrong.
- May take things that don't
belong to him.
- Talks with his mouth
full.
- Can dress self, but
frequently says, "I can't."
- May still suck thumb,
pick nose, bite nails.
- May clear throat
frequently and make clicking or smacking noises.
- May be fascinated by
fire; may want to start fires.
Excerpt from the
appendix of the "Redirecting
Children’s Behavior" book, in subsequent issues, we will print
through age 18 years. This book is available through the Positive
Parenting Bookstore.
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Success Stories
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Mind Trust
Agreement Works!
Mom and dad had a
problem with 3 ˝ year old Kiara tattling on dad! They talked behind
closed doors about the situation, made a plan and agreed to support each other.
At the family meeting, they explained about the mind trust concept
(Session 4 of Redirecting Children's Behavior). Whichever parent she has
a problem with; she needs to handle it with that parent. Mom said,
"If you tattle on Daddy to Mommy, I will say, 'Mind Trust!' and that
means you need to work it out with Daddy. Kiara agreed. Shortly
thereafter, Kiara came running to mom saying, "Mom! Daddy gave me
juice boxes and he was supposed to give me milk!" Mom simply said,
"Mind Trust!" Kiara stopped for a moment, ran back to dad and
worked it out with him. Later Dad & Kiara were play wrestling and
Kiara came running to mom and said, "MOM! Dad pushed me!" Mom
said, "Mind Trust! Sounds like you need to work that out with your
Dad". Kiara again stopped tattling and went back to dad and told him
how she felt, "Dad, I don't like it when you push me so hard."
Dad apologized and they got back to playing. Mom reports the blaming and
coming between mom and dad has diminished tremendously by having the mind
trust agreement in place. Great work Mom & Dad!
Todd & Monique
Nowlin, Ventura
Anger Management
Success
I've been struggling
with my 11 year-old son's outburst and tantrums for some time. Many
incidents erupted with him screaming, "I hate this place",
"I hate you", "nobody loves me", and "I'm going
to run away from home". One evening he even made it a point to have
us catch him climbing out his bedroom window (on the 2nd floor). Many of
these incidents were a result of him wanting something or having a run-in
with a sibling or a friend. After taking the RCB class, I learned he was
having difficulty dealing with his internal negative feelings while I as
a parent was focusing too much on the behavior I saw. I learned to remain
calm (detach) through these recurring storms and give him a G.E.M.
(Genuine Encounter Moment). Then I would make it a point to sit and talk
with him sometime after the incident, when things were going well between
us, and help him express what he was feeling at the time. I explained we
are human and feel these awful things from time to time, and it was OK to
feel this way. Then we talked about the self-quieting space in his room,
a place for us to go when these feelings come about.
Then it happened…one
Friday night. He demanded I take him to the roller rink because his
friends were going to be there. I told him I wasn't willing to drive
across town so late in the evening. I told him I'd be willing to discuss
maybe letting him go next Friday night if we could find ways for him to
earn the money to go. He began to get very upset and I tried to give him
a G.E.M. Instead he stormed off to his room declaring, "I'm going to
my room to feel bad, if anyone is looking for me". He emerged about
an hour later apologizing for his rage and asked if we could talk about
next Friday night. Even though he took himself to his self quieting space
to cool off, the real success came when he offered to rub my shoulders as
his "make-up"!!!
Bill
Corbett , Instructor & Dad
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