(*note…I wrote this article in 2001, so while the media our kids are using has changed, my ideas for setting limits has not!  Please read and substitute whatever form of electronic entertainment you kids over-use for TV, and try the ideas accordingly…I would love to get feedback on how it goes for you)

The average teenager watches 7 hours of television a day. This is a horrifying number, in my opinion. While TV can be educational, most of what the children watch when left to their judgment is certainly not educational.

Most of you that have taken my class know that I haven’t had television for over 9 years. That is, I have no cable with stations and such. I do have a TV with a VCR and we have a library of videos and rent movies all the time. We also play many board games. Three years ago, we bought a PlayStation. In addition, we have a wide variety of games that play on the computer, some educational, some not. I have many of the same fights over these forms of media that families with cable have over programs that the kids are watching. Over the years I have come up with some strategies for handling the fighting and excessive use of these toys.

One of the problems is that kids ignore parents when they are watching TV. They forget to eat, clean up after themselves, do their chores and play. Parents nag, kids ignore, the battle rages everyday in this manner.

The key to taking back control of the media in your home is to make agreements ahead of time – before the TV/computer ever goes on. There should be a clear agreement that spells out the limits and rules about the use of the game. When a new “Spiro” game comes out on PlayStation, my kids will fight for days (if no agreements are made) over who gets to play. The rule we have is that they must make a schedule before they turn it on. They have to agree who plays, for how long and even write down exactly what time each will play. They all have to sign it, as if it’s a contract. Here’s what it might look like:

Who gets to be on Play Station:
Michelle 3:30-4:00
Briana 4:00-4:30
Michael 4:30-5:00

X_______________X______________X_______________

The first agreement is that they must do this before they turn on the game. The second agreement is that they make a detailed schedule of who plays and when. It must be hung up on the refrigerator. That way, if I think one kid is over the limit, or if there is a fight over whose turn it is, I can simply refer to the schedule. If they do not adhere to their agreement, than the game is off for the day. I have found this routine to be a great way to keep myself out of the battles and for the kids to work out their issues with each other.

With television, you can set limits in a similar manner. Sit down with the family on Sunday when the TV Guide arrives. Make a chart with the programs that each will watch, make sure to have the TV off at all other times. One mom I know also includes a “NO TV” night every week.

It is also helpful to make an agreement about what needs to happen before turning on the TV or video game. For example, my son likes to get up early and play. The agreement is that he has to be fully ready for school before he turns on the computer. It is spelled out in the agreement that he needs to get dressed, eat breakfast, brush his teeth and make his lunch. After just a few weeks of following through with the consequences, he learned to get everything finished before turning on the games.

The most important factor for the agreement to work is consistent follow through. Make sure that you stay involved with the kids, both in the agreement-making phase and while they are playing. Make sure that they adhere to the schedule. Follow through with the consequences with a kind and firm attitude. “It’s a bummer that the PlayStation is off for the rest of the day”. Don’t give in to their pleading or promises.

The giving in is what undermines our authority. The children come to believe that if they make promises to behave better, then we will give in. They typically forget in a rather short period of time and we become exhausted and angry that they are not keeping their end of the bargain. However, if we have agreed that the TV will go off if the agreement is not kept, and then we give in to a “bargain” we are showing our children that bargains do not necessarily have to be kept. This is why the battle goes on and on.

During the training period of implementing a new agreement (usually 2-4 weeks) it is very important to maintain complete consistency and follow-through. Being flexible should not be an option during the training phase of the agreement. Flexibility is crucial in parenting, and there is a time and place for it. The time for flexibility is not while helping children learn a new routine. Once a new routine is established, then you can become more flexible if you think that is appropriate. My experience has led me to believe that too much flexibility with routines leads to misbehaving kids. It’s better to maintain consistency with agreements and be flexible with issues that come up “in the moment”. That is just my experience.

With some work and effort initially, making agreements with the kids and creating a plan for follow-through, you can avoid so many of the headaches you face on a daily basis, fighting over the excessive TV watching or fights over the TV. Start today, making a family routine that brings order and sanity to your home!

“He’s the brightest in his class!”

“He’s been the top goal scorer on his team for 5 years!”

“Isn’t she gorgeous – she’s the prettiest girl in her class!”

“I don’t care about the 6 A’s – how come you got a B in science?”

“Thank God for Suzie – with all the problems we’ve had with Billy, I don’t know what we’d do if she wasn’t so good!”

Ever wondered what kids make of these kind of statements? How they interpret them? What they allow it to mean about themselves?

A 9 year old boy I’ll call Eric came into my office with his mom one day because he’d been in trouble several times at school over the previous two weeks. Not big trouble. More like normal nine year old boy mischief. He had joined a “club” of other third grader boys and the group had been caught trying to charge another boy an “entry fee” to get into their exclusive club. Another day he and a new friend had teased another child till they were in tears, in yet another episode of “playground politics.” Seemingly harmless mischief, yet his parents were fit-to-be-tied.

From his parent’s perspective, Eric had always been so good, so bright, kind of a golden-haired boy. He’s mom, with great pride and intensity in her voice, told me in front of Eric, how he was the brightest boy in his class. And that she and his dad were so upset because the trouble with his new friends had caused him to be less motivated about finishing his schoolwork, that he wasn’t trying his hardest. And that if his grades continued to slip, he’d have a hard time getting into the competitive school they had their eyes on for him for 7th grade. Whew! It was exhausting for me to hear, the intensity of mom’s fears. I wondered how it felt for her 9 year old.

Eric initially sat upright in his chair, listening intently to his mom’s speech. He shared his viewpoint a few times, but was quickly overshadowed by his mom’s fervor. When she talked about him being the brightest in his class, Eric’s shoulders drooped a little. When mom complained that he wasn’t trying his hardest, his whole body and spirit slumped in the chair.

“What are you feeling right now, listening to your mom?”

“I don’t know, I’ve heard it before.”

“You look discouraged right now on the outside. What are you feeling inside?”

“Sad,” he said quietly. Tears welled up in his eyes as he sank a little lower in his chair.

“Why sad?” I asked. Then came the pay dirt.

“I feel like my rating has dropped.”

Wow! At this point his mom started to cry, and she reached over and held his hand. For the first time that day she was quiet, her fear for his future having been replaced by her love for him in the moment.

When kids hear comments like the ones at the beginning of this article, they interpret them in many ways. But I think the most common way is to see them as pressure. Pressure to not make mistakes. Pressure to be a certain way and to live up to a code of expectations laid out by well meaning parents.

These pressures motivate some kids for a while to try hard, to compete. They very much want their parent’s approval. But as they get into middle school age, pleasing their parents becomes less important than what their friends think, and their former motivation now has no power. We’ve seen lots of these bright, former high achievers become unmotivated, do-enough-to-just-get-by teenagers.

Others may continue to push on, working hard to be the best, constantly striving to prove themselves and meet other people’s high expectations. These high expectations later on become their own measuring sticks. I’ve worked with thousands of unhappy teens and adults who have made it, become successful as far as titles, jobs, income. But they’re miserable. They can’t turn off that never ending tape inside them that says it’s never enough; gotta do more; gotta find a new challenge. Constantly restless and empty. I know that feeling myself.

Eric was sad because he felt like he was disappointing his parents letting them down. And he felt like I won’t be loved unless I achieve, unless I’m the best. In reality, he was just going through some normal growing pains. He’d always been a fairly sedentary kid, preferring to spend time with books or in front of a computer to being outside playing with friends. Intellectually, he was advanced for his age, but he lagged a little behind in his social skills. He had been trying his best at school for 4 years. And his recent mischief was the result of his forays into the world of grade school playground politics. He was learning about making friends, about being a friend, about relationships. Very important stuff for 9 years old. Actually more important than his studies in the long run. Learning that he’d put off in his quest to be the brightest. Eric was trying to find some balance between schoolwork and friends, (not unlike many of your struggles with finding balance between work and home and friends as adults). And he was making some mistakes, as we all doing our learning process.

I know Eric’s parents. They have worked very hard to educate themselves about kids and parenting. They’ve done an awesome job with Eric. And, like many parents today, they got caught up in the current cultural trend that everyone should be an A student, excel at sports, be involved in 30 activities. Yes sir, no room for average today! Every kids needs to be trying their best ALWAYS or they get flak. YUK!

I suggested to Eric’s mom that they eliminate words and phrases like best, brightest, we don’t care about your grades as long as you try your hardest 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Eric, like most bright kids, loves to learn; loves to meet a challenge head on. And once they’ve mastered the challenge, they can say with pride that “I did it!” Eric needs to be able to look at his parents and see unconditional love and pride. To know he is loved because of who he is, not for what he does. The only rating that Eric needs is his own internal sense of who he is. His own sense of accomplishment.

Thank goodness kids don’t give out quarterly report cards on their parents. I might be spending some time in the principal’s office!

With his wife, Anne Jordan, R.N., Dr. Jordan ownes and runs the Children & Families, Inc. of St. Louis out of which he operates his private practice, in addition to teaching and training instructors for numerous courses including, Redirecting Children’s Behavior (RCB); Redirecting for Cooperative Classrooms (RCC), a six week course for teachers; Kids Camp and Teens Camp, a summer camp that encourages leadership, self responsibility, and high self-esteem. Children and Families, Inc. is here to teach and support you in new ways of growing. A wide variety of courses is offered by Children and Families, Inc., including the areas of parenting, personal growth, marriage enhancement and self-esteem camps for children and teens.

Family Meetings can be a very successful method of enhancing family cooperation and closeness. Here are some ideas for the format of a family meeting.

Hold the meeting once a week at a time when everyone in the family can attend. Keep this time sacred — don’t keep changing it at everyone’s convenience. Mark the time on a calendar and make it as important as a business meeting.

Take the phone off the hook so there are no interruptions. This helps your children see how valuable the meetings are to you also.

Decisions should be made by family consensus, not majority vote. If an agreement cannot be reached after a discussion, table the decision until the next meeting.

Elect a new leader and secretary at each meeting. The leader runs the meeting and calls on members. The leadership should rotate every meeting. Other members should be encouraged to support the leader. The secretary can take notes on what was discussed and what decisions were reached.

Begin the meetings with compliments to each family member. Use words like, “I love you because…,” or, “I’m grateful for you because…,” Teach children to say thank you after they receive a compliment.

Keep an “agenda” list on the refrigerator and discuss it at each family meeting time. As problems come up during the week, write them down to be discussed at family meetings.

Go on to problem solving. Does anyone have a problem they would like to bring up? Teach your children that if she complains, it is helpful to think of a solution. A person who is not part of the solution is part of the problem.

Coordinate everyone’s calendar for the next week and plan some activities together as a family.

For more productive meetings, sit at a cleared table and chairs versus the family sitting room. Don’t have this meeting during a mealtime.

Always end the meeting by allowing the leader to pick a fun way to close it. Suggestions are choosing a bedtime snack for everyone, delaying dessert until after the meeting, playing a game, etc.

Reprinted with permission from the “Redirecting Children’s Behavior” Workbook
Copyright © 1994 INCAF

Brittany is an extremely well behaved, cooperative child; however Mom and dad were a bit frustrated with her frequent whining. About 2 weeks into the class, mom shared that Brittany had said to her, “Mom. Have you noticed I’m not whining anymore?” Mom replied, “Well Brittany, yes I have noticed it! Why do you think that is?” Brittany said, “I don’t know! I just stopped doing it!” I asked mom what she had been doing differently. She said she had been reacting less to all the little things. Instead of getting into arguments over tasks, she had taken the attitude of, “How will we work this out” or “How can we handle this situation?” She found that a calm discussion with her daughter brought a great deal more willingness for her to do what was expected of her. Dad backed mom up in the situations he had the opportunity to address as well. Mom had also been spending more quiet time with Brittany, praying and teaching her the power of positive thinking self-talk. Mom overheard Brittany in her room one morning before a test at school, telling herself all the positive messages they had been discussing. Mom felt so good inside that she was able to influence her daughter in such a special way. Terrific job, mom & Dad! Keep up the great work!

Janine and David Kidd, Thousand Oaks

Development is given in a range of years. Each child develops as an individual. Ask yourself, are you expecting too much or too little?

Your child’s behavior “problem” may be just one of his/her important and normal developmental tasks. Awareness of these tasks should reassure you that your child’s development is normal and likely to change again soon. A behavior “problem” often lasts more than 6 months, happens in more than one place consistently, and appears as a pattern.

Normal Expectations:

During the past 15-20 years intrauterine development has become very important. Prior to this time, environmental effects on fetal development were not considered important.

Piaget’s Sensorimotor Period (Birth to 2 years)

0-1 years

• Trust of caregiver/parent
• Forming a secure attachment now is critical for later years
• World view is expanding

1-3 years

• Focus Oriented, can now experience outrage
• Self-control/self-management are key
• Impulses are out of control
• Parallel play normal
• Peers are competitors or providers
• Perspective taking is just beginning
• Able to learn cause and effect
• Thinking is relatively concrete

Piaget’s Preoperational Period (2-7 years)

2-5 years

• During the first five years of life, children are egocentric — they can only see their own perspective
• Increasing ability to tolerate frustration and to delay gratification
• Important for them to say NO, allows them to have feeling of control
• Normal to have focused aggression
• Play is critical, imaginary friends are useful and normal
• External to internal control begins to develop/ more able to self-regulate
• Socialization learned; learning what is socially appropriate
• Language development
• Gender identity

5-7 years

• A very sensitive time for child when making mistakes
• Parent needs to allow mistakes and help teach that mistakes are opportunities to learn
• Parents can have influences setting cultural bias
• Parent can begin to plants seeds for empathy, through modeling

Piaget’s Period of Concrete Operations (7-11 years)

6-12 years

• Latency, this period sexual and aggressive drives diminish
• Generally a stable period
• Beginning of our continuous memory/Can begin to develop expectations
• Most memories are happy
• Adaptive functions solidified, habits and patterns develop now
• Child is often able to organize and get along on their own
• Social skills and ego functions develop now
• Peer relationships are key
• Develop “social markers” or labels i.e.: fat, left-handed
• Mastery is important, being good at something is critical
• Interest in the outside world

Important tasks during latency

• Friendships
• Self control (body, emotions)
• Mastery of environment
• Clear distinction between public and private life (secrets)
• External and internal life (fantasy)
• Reassuring during this period to know there is a “Higher Authority”
• Hobbies and organized collections offer opportunity for control, organization and order
• Personality traits develop now

8-9 years

• Competition enables self evaluation
• Peer rivalry
• Clear gender barriers in spite of efforts to avoid
• Able to be both caring and mean
• Teasing between sexes important — helps set boundaries

Piaget’s Period of Formal Operations (12 and On)

12-18 years

• Social and moral development
• Rebellion, self identity or expression
• They want to be trusted

When considering your child’s behavior it is important to consider:

• normal developmental tasks, listed above
• external factors; family stress, parenting style, environment
• internal factors; temperament, biological vulnerability

If you suspect a behavior problem, it is important to get a thorough diagnosis. Only through a psychological evaluation can you rule out learning disabilities, ADD, ADHD, perceptual problems or genetic disorders.

Diane Clark Johnson is a Family Life Educator and director of A Family Resource in Oakland, California and co-author of Temperament Tools: Working with your Child’s Inborn Temperament Traits.

(A note from the author: This article developed from a response to a mom in cyberspace facing this exact situation with her teenage daughter, hence I have used “she” throughout the article for clarity and consistency. The ideas and points are equally relevant for parents of teenage boys as well.)

The Beginning

Is your teenager out-of-control? Staying out all night? Not telling you where she is? Cutting school? Talking back to you in mean and hurtful ways? Hurting herself and those around her? Are you thinking of sending her to her father? Have you already called in the law, or social services out of desperation? Do you feel it is either you or her?

Oftentimes in today’s world, this teenager experienced a divorce at some point. Perhaps you have gone on to another relationship and remarried. She was deeply hurt by the divorce and her life today may be about that hurt. Divorce, remarriage, separation and other emotional stresses can have a delayed impact on a child, sometimes surfacing in aggravated rebellion during the teen years.

THE DECISION

To turn this around will take a great deal of courage, time, and a commitment to not giving up on her, love, obviously, and patience–while at the same time devoting the same commitment to yourself and your life the way you want it.

THE DILEMMA

Establishing rules for them only establishes power struggles…that she knows already that she will win. She has had enough experience now to know that she can get away with anything that she wants. Her dilemma is “I know I can win in any struggle with you, Mom, and I want to. And I don’t want to.” Winning over you gives her a sense of power, and it does not get her what she really wants desperately– a place to fit in, to feel safe and loved. A teen in rebellion does not look like she is looking for love. She looks like the devil. She looks like hate and despair.

PEACE TALKS

Somehow, you must get her cooperation in a turn around. The negotiation would have to look something like peace talks in Bosnia in the beginning. So imagine what distrust and pain exist between those peoples who have been killing each other in atrocious way for years, and ask yourself, your new spouse, and your other children, “What will it take from each of us to make life civil around here, where everyone agrees not to hurt anymore?” It is important that you realize that nothing about a ‘turnaround’ can be forced or controlled. All parties must be committed to not hurting back.

And, you will slip up. Know that. You have all trained yourselves too well to respond with the hurtful statement when you have been hurt. The job in the beginning will be to get clear that everyone wants the same thing: calm, civility, respect. Then, to commit to what will happen if you make a mistake and do or say something hurtful to anyone else in the family. Suppose you have the following conversation:

“I want you to know that I really hate where our relationships is today. I hate how I feel about you, and how you seem to feel about me a lot. I know that my part in this is that I have treated you with as little respect as you have been dishing out to me, and I want more than anything to go back to the way we were…(whenever it was better). Are you interested in doing it differently around here?” AND SHUT UP. Wait for her to tell you. If she goes into one of her tirades about how much of a failure you are, or that you are not going to tell her how to live her life, etc…Just wait: ask the question again, “Are you interested in talking with me about doing it differently, having a better relationship?”

Keep asking the question and keep telling her that you want a relationship that is based on mutual respect–where you can respect her and she can respect you. Tell her you want to stop talking to each other with such hate, and to talk out your problems. Tell her that you love her, and that you always will, no matter what she does. That you hate her behavior…that you could not send her away because you love her and cherish her in your life. And mean those things. You will have to keep telling her; because this is the one thing she does not believe. She looks and behaves like she believes that she is not lovable by you, and that she cannot count on you.

UNDERSTANDING THE TEENS PERSPECTIVE

Having been there, and having worked with parents who have been there, I have found one of the things that is very powerful in her peer world right now is that she gets a great deal of support from her peers to talk this way–and do these things. There are many teenagers who have developed this isolated existence from their parents–and oftentimes, I have found it is around the Mom or Dad’s choices to divorce and remarry. If this transition doesn’t get handled so that the children KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that they still have a secure, precious position with their parent–they will start hurting–either in subtle or very overt ways. And they have so many friends who are in this same world, they get ideas and support from each other. It is hard to break–only love will break it. It took me several years with my son. And all the while, they are maturing along with all that you do.

BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS

I suggest, as well, that you read Jane Bluestein’s book, “Parents, Teens and Boundaries”, because it is the flip side of this equation. You must take care of yourselves in this. You will have to establish some boundaries. These are the struggle points that she does not want to win. Boundaries make her feel safe. She will scream that you are trying to control her, and what she wants from you is the security that you won’t let her run roughshod over your limits, your lines in the sand. And, as Dr. Bluestein will suggest, you must choose these very wisely…and be prepared to follow through with the consequences that you and she have discussed and accepted. These are always stated as a matter of fact, not a command that lights the power struggle fires! I love her example of the store closing hours:

“If the store respects its own boundaries and you get there after 9PM, it will probably be closed, no matter what your intention, regardless of what delayed you, and in spite of what you thought the hours were.

The store is not closed to punish you for your delay or misunderstanding. It’s not closed to teach you a lesson. It’s not closed to mess with your mind. It’s just closed. Period.”

Boundaries are not punitive or intended to teach your teen a lesson. They simply let them know what their choices are, and believe me: They want to know. And they must test them, it is written in the code of adolescent behavior!

Please know that this is only the beginning, re-establishing a damaged relationship takes time, patience and love. Most of all, if you are a parent in this situation, you need the support, caring and encouragement from other parents who have been there and succeeded in working through these very difficult times. It only takes one person, you, absolutely committed to peace, to end the war in your home.

Ruth S. Angaran, M.Ed., is a twenty-year plus veteran teacher of adolescents. She is president of For The Children, teaching Redirecting Children’s Behavior to corporate employees and in the community, training instructors in RCB instruction, and training instructors in COMMON GROUND–A Course for Creating Cooperation and Mutual Respect Between Parents and Their Teens.

Please email your comments to Rangaran@aol.com

Imagine if someone with authority said to you that you could not use corporal punishment to discipline your children. Stop and think…how would you handle it?

Would it cause dramatic changes in the way you discipline your kids? Would you go into a panic? Would you give up disciplining all together?

Eliminating corporal punishment means more than forgoing bottom spanking. It includes a slap on the wrist, the smack on the face and any other body parts that may be struck.

Numerous studies have revealed that if we were raised with corporal punishment we will most likely raise our children the same way. What we know about being parents generally comes from the parents that raised us.

Some of you may be asking at this point, so what’s really wrong with a swat on the bottom? It’s fast, effective and has nothing to do with child abuse. However, very few people can say with confidence that they have never hit their kids just a little harder than they intended. It’s possible for well intentioned loving parents to get angry enough with their children to use spanking as a means of releasing their own anger. Although these parents are well aware that the purpose of discipline is to teach, when corporal punishment is used, the danger of using and abusing children is greater.

Most parents will agree that children learn a great deal through imitation, especially when they see their children dress up in their clothes, repeat familiar phrases or even pantomime cigarette smoking. When mom or dad spanks little Tommy they are using hitting as a form of communication. They are in fact teaching him through imitation to communicate with his hands (hitting) instead of with words.

When our children see us become so angry with them that we strike them, we not only lose sight of why we are disciplining them, but we show them that it is an appropriate way to deal with anger.

So where does that leave our imaginary situation where corporal punishment is not permitted? In order to teach our children right from wrong we know that discipline has an important place in rearing a child. The following case studies offer alternatives for parents who would like to, or are considering dropping corporal punishment from their lives.

Time-out (For you)

You walk into your bedroom and find red nail polish splattered all over your recently purchased white cashmere sweater. Needless to say you are quite upset and can feel a rush of adrenaline through your body commanding you to act immediately. This is probably not the best time to discipline your children. Give yourself time to deal with your own anger; take deep breaths, a hot bath, dust the house. The point is to deal with your own anger first so you don’t risk taking it out on your children. Then you can begin to think about how it happened. Was it an accident, a deliberate cry for attention or are your children mad at you?

Consider the possibilities. After you are calm and have a reasonably open mind call for your children. Having taken some “time-out” to deal with your own emotions you will be better equipped to deal effectively with the situation. Your children won’t be exposed to an irrational role model and most of all you will be capable of choosing the most appropriate form of discipline or simply finding out if something is bothering them.

Time-out (For them)

Four year old Lisa proceeds to throw a temper tantrum every time you tell her “no”. It doesn’t matter whether you’re at the supermarket or a friend’s house; she kicks and screams until she eventually wears you down. Four year old Lisa has learned how to push your buttons. Fortunately, it’s not too late. Children who throw temper tantrums invariably want and receive attention. Whether the parent ends up consoling or yelling, the child receives attention for her negative behavior. This in turn reinforces her belief that temper tantrums gain your attention.

Lisa’s parent might try designating a place in the house where she can express her tantrum. Every time she is getting ready to have one, tell her you recognize her right to express her emotions (to be angry) and take her out of the environment and into a “Temper tantrum zone.” Stay with her without giving her attention. Read a magazine with one eye and watch her with the other (you want to prevent or intervene if she begins to hurt herself).

Temper tantrum zones can also be found outside the home. For example, if the tantrum begins in the grocery store, ask an employee to watch your cart while you take the child outside. Again watch her and listen to her but don’t give her any direct attention. When she has calmed down is the time to give her a treat like a box of Animal Crackers. Giving them to her during the tantrum again only reinforces the negative behavior.

A method for preventing tantrums in public places before they become a problem involves the use of “tickets”. Before making your next trip to the store, cut three circles or squares out of cardboard or heavy paper for each child. Decorate them with stars, sparkles and a smiling face.

Before giving the children the tickets tell them the rules you want them to follow (as simply as possible) while you are in the store. When handing over the tickets to them, let them know that every time they break a rule you’re going to take a ticket away. Tell them they must have at least one ticket left if they want to play outside when you get home. If they lose all three tickets they will stay inside. For they child who is extra good and doesn’t lose a ticket, surprise her with an ice cream cone or something you know she likes.

When you use time-out to discipline children you are taking negative attention away. That is, you are not spanking or yelling. When attention is taken away however, it needs to be replaced somewhere else. Lisa’s parents might try going out of their way to give her attention for all the good things she does; thanking her because she was quiet while you were on the telephone or telling her what a great job she did putting on her own socks and shoes. If she’s getting enough positive attention she won’t need to seek it in a negative way.

Taking Away a Privilege (vs. a Right)

The first time your six year old son Mark drew a masterpiece on the kitchen wall you thought it was so cute that you signed and dated it. After a few attempts to get him to use paper, you decide that it’s time to rid him of this bad habit.

After Mark’s parents explained to him and he understood that writing on the walls is a no-no, and he continued to do it, taking away the privilege of using crayons will help to teach him why it is wrong. Explaining to the child why the crayons are being taken away and for how long demands a lot more from the parent than a swat on the bottom. In the long run however, the child will learn that if he wants to keep his crayons the walls are not for scribbling.

It is important here to discern between a right and a privilege. Basic needs such as shelter, food, clothes and sleep are rights. It is our responsibility as parents to care for the needs of our children and not withhold the things that sustain them.

Sending Mark to bed without any dinner when he is hungry is depriving him of a basic right; the need to eat. Privileges, on the other hand are the desserts after the meal. A trip to the ice cream parlor, watching a cartoon show on television or having a set of crayons are all fun but not essential to his daily growth.

When Mark drew on the walls it would not have made sense to discipline him by not letting him play with his friends that afternoon or taking away his television privileges for a day or two.

The punishment must make sense if the child is to learn from it. Taking away Mark’s crayons for doodling on the walls will cause him to think about how he must act if he wants to use his crayons. An important point to remember when using this method of discipline is that young children generally have very short memories. When a privilege is taken away from them for two or three days they may forget about the punishment the second day. It’s the parents job to remind the child (as many times as necessary) why he has lost the privilege and for how long. With young children three days is a fairly long time and should be used as a guideline.

Not giving in on the second day of a three day punishment is the key to using this method successfully. It’s imperative to let them know that the terms of the punishment stand (no matter how hard they try to talk you out of it) while continuously showing your love for them.

Additional Chores

Seven year old Jimmy has broken several items around the house probably due to a combination of carelessness, inattentiveness and roughhousing. This time he has broken a favorite vase of yours. After you have dealt with your anger and let him know you are upset at what he did, to discipline him by having him help with the vacuuming and dusting might not help you, but it might change his behavior. Jimmy’s carelessness could be a sign that he doesn’t feel important to the household or family. It could be this child’s way of communicating that he needs more attention.

As with taking away privileges this method is demanding on both the parent and child. It requires reminding the child how long, why and what the punishment is. It also requires the parent to let the child do these extra chores which may or may not be helpful.

In this case to discipline by adding chores is a double edged sword. On one hand tour teaching Jimmy through discipline that breaking things is not appropriate behavior and on the other hand you’re making him feel more a part of the household by giving him more to do. In addition, if the chores you add involve parent – child interaction, like helping with dinner or folding laundry, you’re also spending more time with him and giving him the attention he was asking for.

Energy Releasing Activity

You’ve noticed that after dinner your children begin yelling, fighting and eventually saying no to bedtime. They may have left over energy which they need to release.

Sometimes children get so wound up from either too much or too little activity that an 8:00 p.m. bedtime seems impossible. Pent up energy can cause the normally obedient child to find trouble.

In this case the parent might try having the children run laps in the backyard, do jumping jacks or other calisthenics, dance fast to music or perform any other non-destructive but physically demanding activity. The key to this method is to divert the children immediately from the negative behavior while giving them a positive way to release their energy.

Reasoning

Nine year old Bob ate an entire batch of chocolate chip cookies after you had told him he could only have a couple. Now Bob has a stomachache.

Sometimes with an older child the most appropriate way to discipline is simply to talk it out. If your child is punishing himself for his wrongdoing, all you may need to do is calmly discuss the situation. Bob’s stomachache is probably enough punishment for disobeying you. By reasoning with him you explain the cause and effect relationship between his disobeying you and why he’s not feeling good.

With these methods and all methods of discipline discussed above, talking with your child about the wrongdoing and the discipline will help you both assess what the child has learned from it.

All the corporal free methods of discipline discussed share the same guidelines in working effectively. First the discipline (if there is one) should be decided on and then begun immediately. That is, telling a child “If you do that one more time…” only invites her to do it again.

Second, following through with discipline not only shows a child that you are serious about changing her behavior but also causes the child to think and learn from it. No child will take discipline seriously if she knows she can usually talk the parent out of it.

Consistency is the third guideline. This entails using similar discipline for similar transgressions. This will actually make decisions about discipline easier for the parent since future punishment is based on past discipline. It will also give the child a clearer understanding of what behaviors are expected out of him.

The final guideline is having the punishment make sense. As discussed earlier, the punishment should be designed so the child learns from it.

To discipline without hitting is easier for both parent and child if corporal punishment was never used at all. However it is possible to effectively discipline without hitting even if corporal punishment was the only method used previously.

By persevering in your discipline and using a combination of the alternative suggested in this article parents can become better role models for their children by teaching them how to handle their own anger. The transition from corporal to corporal free discipline may take time and patience, but will, in the long run, make better communicators out of the entire family.

Maybe it was the mom that is so discouraged with herself and her parenting. Before her child was born, she knew what she wanted.   She started out with such high hopes, reading all the parenting books, home births, holding her children close, family bed. What do YOU want at home in your family?  What would your “dream family” look like?

What happens over time that impacts you?  Emotionally, physically, spiritually?  What happens to the ideal when the kids are fighting, whining, not listening?  I see their tears, their hearts nearly broken for fear of what the future may bring if they don’t figure out how to discipline without yelling or becoming “crazy mom”.  Why do you no longer have the ideal?

Maybe it was the dad in class, loud, big energy, but he too, on the edge of tears that his son will feel scared and alienated like he did when he was a child.  He loves his son so much, and wants for him the love and bonding that he did not have, and yet he can see the fear in his little boys face when he reacts to his behavior. What will happen if this cycle doesn’t change?

The great thing is…I can see the future for these parents!  For 20 years I have been teaching parents how to discipline without yelling or spanking, and how to build children’s self-esteem while at the same time, correcting their behavior. Maybe just a simple tip of asking yourself how you can give your child more power when they are fighting with you.  Or maybe it’s more complicated, like my demonstration of how to stop kids from fighting by bringing a peaceful presence to the fight and without any words, getting them to stop fighting. Or maybe it’s something totally different, I listen carefully to each parent to find what is most needed right now to turn the downward spiral of negative parenting around.

I know without a doubt, that these parents will find children whose faces light up, kids that do what their asked the first time, kids that show more confidence, and finally a sense of closeness and connection with their children that may have been lost for a time.  I know, that by the end of their time with me, they will have completely changed the environment in their home.

So another journey begins, and I am so looking forward to sharing these parents’ success stories with you over the next 5 weeks.  Ideas for getting results, disciplining our kids without breaking their little spirits!  And if you want to start NOW and make lifelong changes with your own kids, give me a call at 805-648-6846 or send me an email at debbie@positiveparenting.com to set up an appointment to talk.  I can give you a free phone consultation and see if you would like to work with me to make your parenting much more rewarding and FUN, and make sure you are doing your personal best when it comes to disciplining your kids.

Have a great day and Happy Parenting!

Danelle Bradley, Moorpark

Gwen & Richard Ojalvo, Oak Park